Chicago Auditions Recap - Yawn

So I feel obligated to recap this episode because I was at the auditions and stuff. This is the first full audition episode I've seen this season and already I'm bored with the entire audition process. Seriously, there's nothing here to see. Loser that I am though, I shall try to write something about it.

They begin the show with a bunch of people cursing out American Idol. I didn't see much of that, but then, I didn't make it past the first cut.

They remind us that our nation's president, Barack Obama, got his start here in the corrupt political machine of Chicago. Ugh. Are there still people left on the Obama-train?

Shania Twain is a guest on the judges' panel. Kara is still phony as ever. Why am I writing this?

First up is Katelyn Epperly from Des Moines, IA. Apparently her father left or something. Yeah, yeah, we know the drill. Sob story, sympathy, golden ticket. Lather, rinse, repeat (I don't find saying "lather, rinse, repeat" all that funny, but it seems customary to say that anytime you describe a simple three-step process). She has a huge tattoo on her shoulder, so I guess that means she's got a bit of Carpetbagger Carly Smithson in her. Freak. Simon asks her why she's doing it, and she says because of family problems. In other words, she's trying to milk this whole gravy train for as much sympathy as she can get. She sings "Syrup and Honey" by Duffy, and is pretty good. I don't see her winning or anything, but she's a worthy contender who gets yeses all around. Okey-dokey then.

Hey, Kris Allen stars in a new Ford Fusion commercial! Best winner ever, man.

Next is Amy Lang from Westchester, OH, who's heavy-set and caucasian, which makes her an automatic no. She also has a crush on Ryan Seacrest, which is a further tip of the hand. Of course, she sings Aretha Franklin's "Dr. Feelgood" by fake-fainting, being as cheesy and overdramatic as possible and sounding mediocre. Then she shows her signature move: What Kara dubs "boob-boxing." Essentially, she moves her mammaries to the rhythm. How...interesting. It's a no. I'm done with her.

They play the "Growing Pains" theme over a bunch of shots of friends supporting each other. Good taste, they've got.

Next is Charity Vance from Little Rock, AR, who works at a salon. Since we see this extensive backstory and she's portrayed as somewhat normal, we can just cut to the chase and assume she makes it. Her "Summertime" is high-pitched but generally on-key. I guess there's a sort of catch to her voice that makes it different. I'm not too enthused. As we all expected, she gets yeses from all four, goes outside, her family jumps up and down and another life is changed forever. All in a day's work.

There's a montage of bad contestants, which is only mildly amusing. A woman confronts Simon about the harsh criticism he gave her daughter and says she doesn't like him anymore. I'm sure Simon relishes it.

Once again we see Angela Martin, the girl with the difficult life who auditions every year. Apparently last year she dropped out because she had a court date for a traffic violation. That's a bad break. The judges all know her when they see her, which is funny, since these contestants are all supposed to be unknowns. She does "Just Fine" by Mary J. Blige and nails it. I mean, obviously she's good, since, you know, she's made it to Hollywood the last two years. Blah blah blah, she gets through.

A black guy with a blue scarf and a Kris Allen lookalike both make it.

Chicago's Curley Newbern sings Maxwell's "This Woman's Worth" crappily. His occupation is listed as "parent." He's just a big ol' no. He walks off without getting any votes because he knows he wasn't getting through.

Alannah Halbert does a high-pitched "I Will Always Love You" without much vocal power. The judges try to help her with her technique, which doesn't do much to help. Simon says it's a no for now, so I guess she has a spot on "The X-Factor" waiting for her next year.

We see a silly parody of silent movies. OK.

Brian Krause from Pittsburgh has been in the Army and looks like an inbred goof, so he's obviously not going to make it. Hey, whaddaya know! He doesn't! Singing Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" was an inspired choice though.

Chicago's Harold Davis talks about how great he's going to be and how he'll surpass his own expectations while "Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background, so you know they're setting him up for failure. His take on Usher's "Nice n' Slow" actually isn't that bad. He's just corny and a bit off-key at times. He uses allergies as an excuse and starts crying when he gets a no. Poor dude. I would've said yes.

Another montage of bad people. Another yawn from me.

Next is John Park, a voice student from Northbrook, IL. Hey, I lived there for ten years! There's a heavy Korean population in Northbrook, so it doesn't surprise me that he's from there. His backstory is portrayed seriously, so we know he makes it. He's pretty good, though nothing all that memorable. Commenting on the technical aspects of his singing, Shania says he has a beautiful bottom end and nice lips (snicker!). He gets through to Hollywood and all his friends mob him. Well, at least one good thing came from this episode: I have someone to vote for if he makes it. Come on, you gotta support people from your old town.

Paige Dechausse from Morris, IL once survived an asthma attack and went into anaphylactic shock (wow, I spelled that right without even looking it up!). Another hour, another Very Special Contestant. She sings "A Change is Gonna Come," I'm too bored to analyze its quality, Simon gives a no, Shania and Kara give yeses, and Randy gets badgered into giving a yes by the two girls. Congrats, Paige. Please just end, episode.

Tacked onto the end we see three guys make it: Justin Ray (the black Chris Sligh) , Keith Semple (the guitar slacker Bryan Adams) and Marcus Jones (the generic skinny R&B singer). Overall, 13 Chicago auditioners made it to Hollywood. None of them were people I recognized from the auditions. I may have missed it, but I didn't see myself anywhere in the crowds either. It's funny...they didn't show any of the cheesy crowd slogans or us singing "Hot 'n Cold." Not that it's a big loss or anything, it's just that we wasted so much time on that crap. Oh well. Life will go on just fine.

Tomorrow the auditions go to Orlando and...hip hip hooray, I don't have to recap it! Yee-haw!