Top 7 Results - Boring Us For Charity

Tonight is Idol Gives Back, and since I'm broke and have too many expenses of my own, I'm not able to contribute. I'll be watching this charity event and only taping the parts involving the Idols, since I couldn't care less about most of the acts they have performing. The big question though, is whether someone's actually getting eliminated tonight. As we all certainly remember, the last time Idol Gives Back was part of the results show they decided to skip the elimination and did an annoying double-elim the next week. It might be happening again, as this threat of elimination could be the only thing getting people to tune in.

Before I get to this recap I'm just going to get something out of the way up front: I wish these causes they're raising money for the best in their efforts. I'm not going to make snarky comments about helping the needy, since I believe private charity is the world's best hope. In the interest of staying classy here, I'll skip recapping the video packages showing us the people in need, since that stuff is obviously very serious. Everything else is fair game, so let's get to it!

The show opens with President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle reading a teleprompter message about how we can make a difference or some such cliche thing. Errrr...I'll stick no my unofficial no-politics policy on this blog and refrain from commenting further.

Our musical acts tonight are coming to us from Pasadena, where Queen Latifah is our mistress of ceremonies. I'll bet in the end I tape fewer than half these acts.

The Top 12 reunite for a group lip-synch of "Keeping the Dream Alive." The good news is that we get to see the lovely Paige Miles again. The bad news is that we have to see Andrew Garcia again. And uh, there's that whole lip-synching thing too. That kind of detracts from it.

Jonah Hill and Russell Brand are here to bring their brand of humor to a sketch about how they don't have the celebrity friends they promised for a celebrity phone bank. I don't get it. Is this supposed to be funny?

After some chat with the Idols we cut back to Queenie, who introduces the Black-Eyed Peas. All right! They suck! I can pause the tape!

Special guest George Lopez is here to help with eliminations...with a twist! Instead of dealing with the contestants he's going to judge the judges! Oh, the hilarity. This bit has a few chuckle-worthy lines, but most of it is hacky and contrived. He accuses them of "always" saying stuff that they rarely say (Randy hasn't said "pitchy" much this year, Simon rarely uses the term "rubbish," and I'm not sure I've ever heard Kara use the phrase he attributes to her), so it seems like a desperate attempt for a laugh. So much wasted potential.

The Ford video is set to "We've Got a Big Mess on Our Hands," and features all kinds of messes being made in the name of showing off 360-degree camera effects. You know, that money might've been better spent on charity.

Casey, Tim and Aaron were my Bottom 3 prediction, with Casey going home. Let's see how right I am as we actually start narrowing it down.

Crystal Bowersox and Casey James are asked to join Ryan at center stage. The person in the Bottom 3 is...Casey. Wow. Huge surprise there. Crystal may never see the Bottom 3 at the rate she's going.

Aaron Kelly and Lee DeWyze are next. One is in the Bottom 3, and it is...Aaron. Hey! Two for two!

Jeff Beck and Joss Stone backed by the Jubilation Choir are here to sing "I Put a Spell on You." Hmmmm. This might actually be worth taping, since Jeff Beck was a huge influence of Rick Nielsen. As expected, it's nothing earth-shattering, but given the acts they have booked it may turn out to be the best musical moment of the night.

Alicia Keys is here to perform some song I neither know nor care about, so I'm pausing the tape again. Hey, she's singing about how great New York is! On behalf of all of us here in flyover country: we don't want to hear about your stinking city. Halfway home! Must...hold...on...

Back to Jonah Hill and Russell Brand...still not funny. On the plus side, they managed to work Tatiana Del Toro into their attempted comedy bit. It's kind of sad that Tatiana's more talented than the idiots presenting it.

Speaking of actual talent, Carrie Underwood is here, singing some song about "Change." There ought to be a quota placed on that word after the 2008 Presidential Campaign. Sorry...no more politics. Of course, this song is tailor-made for a telethon, with lyrics about not changing the channel and giving to causes you see on TV. Well, I guess that clarifies their intentions, in case there was any confusion.

Wanda Sykes, AKA the most annoying woman in America, is here to give us a bit about how dumb it is to make contestants sing after they've been eliminated. How clever! I've never heard that angle before! Why doesn't this lady just go away and stop bothering people?

At long last it's results time again. Tim should be the final member of the Bottom 3, but hey, if he's safe I'll take it!

Siobhan Magnus is safe!

Michael Lynche is also safe, making Tim Urban the final member of our Bottom 3. Rats. Oh well. I'm glad to know the old predictive powers are still sharp (ah, who am I kidding, I got lucky). Hopefully I'll also be right about Casey leaving, since I want Tim to stay.

A band of All-Stars (including Randy Jackson and Mary J. Blige) is here to sing one of the most overrated songs ever, "Stairway to Heaven." Odd song choice, considering no one really knows what it's about. I guess it's a decent cover, but no one, not even Led Zeppelin themselves, has ever topped Rolf Harris' version.

Elton John is our final musical act, but before he can sing "Your Song" he makes sure to give us a PSA about getting tested for AIDS and using condoms. That advice is of absolutely no use to me, so...ha! Sir Elton sounds sort of Irish when he sings these days. I'm recording it because, well, it's Elton John, but this is actually kind of boring. Why does this thing have to go so long? It's way past the scheduled ending time!

At long last we're done with the music acts and we get to the final results. Will they be final though? I'm going to be angry if I wasted all this time for nothing. One person's going back to safety. It is...Aaron! Man. I'd never have pegged that kid for the Top 6. The one going home is...Tim! Dang it! Now who am I supposed to vote for? I'm actually surprised people vote for boring, unartistic Aaron over Tim. Tim can't stop smiling and laughing as he watches his rushed farewell video. Doggone it, this kid's likable. Why can't we keep him?

So after sitting through all that, we're finally done with this week. I can breathe a sigh of relief.

Power Rankings:

6. Aaron Kelly - He's clearly the weakest one left, so it's just a matter of time.

5. Casey James - Let's face it: he's plateauing.

4. Michael Lynche - Likability and OK-ness only take you so far.

3. Siobhan Magnus - She seems to have the fanbase to make the Top 3.

2. Lee DeWyze - Judging from his WNTS ratings he's clearly the guy to beat.

1. Crystal Bowersox - Can you honestly see any of these others winning the whole thing? If it's not Crystal, it'll probably be because someone else steps it up big time in the next few weeks.

See you next week, when Shania Twain mentors the Idols on her own songs! Too bad our buddy John Park left seven weeks ago!