Top 12 Results Recap

The Finalists are all together for the last time tonight (well, until the finale, of course). One of them is going home, and hopefully it'll be someone I don't like.

Jim Carrey's in the house! He's dressed like Horton to promote the new Fox movie Horton Hears a Who! Good thing he has enough of a sense of humor to do something like that.

Ryan tells us that Beatles week got such a good response that they'll be repeating the theme next week! Well, how do you like that? Wasn't next week's theme supposed to be the iTunes Top 100 or some such B.S.? I'd rather hear more Beatles any day.

Now it's time for a cheesy group number. These are usually fun. They're doing a medley of Beatles songs (who would've guessed that?). I guess no one will be picking any of these songs for next week's show. They start with Michael and Carly, the non-American plants who are inexplicably pimped, harmonizing on "All My Loving". You can barely hear Michael's voice above Carly's. Michael then has to harmonize with Kristy and you can still barely hear him. There are solo lines from other contestants, but they're all drowned out by the band. They also do "I Feel Fine", "Can't Buy Me Love" and "Help!", and truth be told, everyone sounds pretty bad on this medley. It had a lot of potential, but it was just awkward because none of them sounded good. They cut to random shots of Jim Carrey in the audience throughout the medley, presumably to distract us from the dismal singing. If this is indeed the best Top 12 ever you wouldn't know it from seeing this episode. Hey, Sanjaya and his sister are in the audience! I hope the siblings Malakar take over Constantine Maroulis' role as the former contestants who are in the audience every other show.

Finally it's time for results. Ryan asks Carly Smithson, Michael Johns, Jason Castro and Syesha Mercado to stand up. Carly's safe. No surprise. Michael's safe. No surprise. Jason's safe. No surprise. Syesha's in the Bottom 3. Yes! There is hope we won't have to sit through another of her boring performances! They make Syesha sing her song one more time. Oh, they're back to doing this? Good, I can save space on my tape. On the downside though, we have to sit through another boring Syesha performance.

After the commercial break they jump right into the Ford commercial, which has the Idols as political candidates singing Cake's (the band, not Chris Richardson and Blake Lewis) "The Distance". There's a creative concept. Something tells me Carly would keep her tattoos covered if she were actually running for office though. Her husband probably wouldn't be making any public appearances with her either. If they're all vying for the same office we know it isn't President, because Carly, Michael and Ramiele were all born outside the U.S.

They show a video of the Idols attending the premiere of Horton Hears a Who! There's nothing that interesting here. They're given some fake elephant ears to wear, but Amanda's the only one who's too cool to put them on (which some of us who saw the photos of the event earlier already had noticed). I'll say it again: Amanda is the real rocker in this competition.

It's time for more results. Ryan has Chikezie, Amanda Overmyer, David Cook and Kristy Lee Cook stand up, as if it weren't obvious which one is in the Bottom 3. Ryan tells Chikezie to "come down here". Once he observes that Chikezie isn't sweating he tells him he's safe. We all knew it was a fake-out though. Amanda's safe, as she should be. David C. is safe, as we all expected. Kristy had already anticipated that she was in the Bottom 3, and we get to hear her butcher "Eight Days a Week" one more time. Sanjaya's standing up for it. She's doing his legacy as the worst contestant proud.

They take questions from America, and most of it is silly fluff. It is amusing though, when they ask Jason which judge he'd like to be and he seems to have no idea what to say. They'll probably be asking Jason something every week (if they continue this calling in feature) just because his awkwardness makes good TV.

Katharine McPhee performs The Beatles' "Something" with David Foster on the piano. Oh goody, I can save more tape space. She does a good job singing it (and she's quite easy on the eyes), but the best version done on "American Idol" still belongs to the guy she was runner-up to. I hope they bring back Taylor sometime this season. I won't pause the tape for that.

After the commercial Jim Carrey's sitting with the contestants. That guy never misses an opportunity to act like a goof on camera, does he? Ryan has the last four contestants come to center stage. David Archuleta is safe. What? Get out of town. Brooke White is safe. I don't know about you, but my jaw just hit the floor. That leaves David Hernandez and Ramiele Malubay. Ramiele is safe! They show "Ramiele's Family and Best Friend" in the audience and her best friend is Danny Noriega! He's like a cockroach. You can't get rid of him. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of Danny this season. David, our latest addition to the Bottom 3, sings his song one more time and doesn't get into it nearly as much as he did the first time.

The judges all think America got the Bottom 3 right. Paula babbles about how it's the strongest Bottom 3 in "Idol" history. What about when the Three Divas were the Bottom 3, Paula? They're taking this "best talent ever" thing to ridiculous levels. Ryan sends one person back to safety and it is...Syesha! Rats! I was hoping Kristy and Syesha would be the Bottom 2. Then I win either way. It's down to the Stripper and the Mannequin, and America chooses...The Mannequin? What? Sure, David gave a weak performance last night, but Kristy's was far worse. I guess the "scandal" finally caught up with David. Still, Kristy's dancing video for the Top 24 reminded me more of a stripper than anything David's done on this show. Since he's already performed his swan song, we watch David's farewell video as the credits roll. I just hope next week we're watching clips of Kristy backed by Ruben Studdard's voice, because she's been awful since the beginning. It's amazing how far you can get with minimal talent and the right pimping.

Hey, weren't they supposed to tell us who the guest mentors for this season were? Are they just going to release it to the press rather than telling us on the show? Eh, whatever.

Power Rankings:

I thought I'd go into more detail about my rankings this time.

11. Kristy Lee Cook - Next week I'm guessing they'll perform in roughly the reverse of the order they performed in this week, which means Kristy will be singing early in the show. We have yet to see a good performance from her, so assuming that trend continues her early slot might be enough to send her home.

10. Amanda Overmyer - Yeah, she was good this week, but I still think she's only one screwup away from elimination. She'll probably be able to handle another Beatles song before getting swallowed up by a theme that doesn't suit her style.

9. Michael Johns - The King of Mediocre is getting by on looks and hype right now. If this guy makes it any farther by continuing what he's been doing it'll only be further proof that this is nowhere near the best Top 12 ever.

8. Syesha Mercado - The diva vote will probably keep her in it for a while, but her oversinging and haughty manner will probably turn people off eventually.

7. Ramiele Malubay - Her Filipino fanbase will most likely keep her in it, but unless she learns to spice up her performances I don't see her making it to the home stretch of this competition.

6. Chikezie - I've been saying he was great since the beginning and people are finally starting to agree with me. The inconsistency he's shown so far might do him in, but I think he gained some fans after his performance this week. If he keeps showing America his fun personality I can see him sticking around.

5. Carly Smithson - She can sing, but she isn't all that likable. Even though this is "American Idol" she seems like her heart is still in Ireland. I think America's going to get tired of her carpetbagging before too long.

4. Jason Castro - He seems to be a fan favorite, but his stripped-down style is already starting to bore some people. His lack of vocal power may hurt him too.

3. David Archuleta - He still has the fanbase to take him far (at least if DialIdol is to be believed), but this week's performance exposed him. I have a feeling that the pressure's going to get to him late in the game.

2. Brooke White - She's still the most likable girl in the competition, and she's still a favorite of the judges. I don't think she has the vocals to win, but that won't stop me from voting for her if she's in the finale.

1. David Cook - The two most successful male alumni (Clay Aiken and Chris Daughtry) each finished behind the two male winners, neither of whom quite lived up to expectations. They really want a guy to win this year, so because David has a similar style to Daughtry they're probably going to pimp him as much as they can in hopes of duplicating Chris' success.

Tune in next week for...more Beatles!