Wild Card Show - This Season is Like Quicksand

If it weren't enough that the judges can pimp a contestant to death and get America to vote on command, they now hold three spots in the Finals in their hands, to be awarded according to their arbitrary criteria. We the American people get no choice in who advances from tonight's show, so I think I speak for most of us when I say "let's get this over with."

First is Jesse Langseth. There's an intro clip where she gets a chance to say how much being picked for the Wild Card show means to her. Whoopee. We could've guessed you were happy for a second chance and all that. She does "Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus and Chaka Khan. Honestly, this is sung OK, but it doesn't really grab me. I kind of tuned it out about halfway through. It's interesting that she used her jazzy voice on this funky song. I can't find anything to complain about or point out as good. It's just...there. Randy says there were a lot of interesting note choices, and it was just a'ight. Kara likes her swagger and how she's a different person onstage. Paula likes her tenacity and determination. Simon says it was a lot better than her first performance but a bit indulgent. I say eh, whatever. This girl has talent, but I can live without her.

Smarm-meister Matt Giraud is doing The Jackson 5's "Who's Lovin' You." From the first note this is just one long melisma-fest. About half of it is extraneous notes added to each syllable and the other half is "yeah, yeah"'s and "whoa whoa"'s. This is pure bluesy fluff. Yeah, he's soulful and all that crud. That doesn't make it any less annoying. Kara says it was over the top at points, but a great vocal. Paula says he did an amazing job and has no doubt America's loving him right now. Har har! Not in this apartment. Simon says it was a billion times better than last week, but he saw bits of Taylor Hicks in it. Of course, he says that as if it were a negative. Screw you, Simon. Taylor remains the most fun and entertaining winner in AI history. Randy says it was hot, and that Matt made everyone in the place scared of the competition. I'm more scared of having to listen to this guy every week. How come he doesn't get called out for being indulgent? He certainly was a lot more so than Jesse.

Megan Joy Corkrey is doing KT Tunstall's "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree." As usual, she does her annoying Corkrey-screw dancing, and the vocals are nothing you couldn't hear at your local karaoke club. My ears are picking up very little here that requires actual talent, and the final glory note is downright awful. Paula says she's beautiful, and that she had fun watching her. Stop telling us how beautiful she is, Paula. Believe me, if I had to rank all the female contestants on the show this year in terms of looks, Megan at best would fall somewhere in the middle. Simon thinks she's terrific and current, and doesn't find her karaoke. Well shucks, if-a Simon says she's original and not a-karaoke, well then, she plumb well a-must be! I see right through you, Cowell. Randy says it was a good song choice. Kara thinks Megan adds variety and that America needs her as an option. Good. Let's all opt not to vote for her.

After a good performance on Tuesday, Von Smith is back with Elton John's "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word." Ehhh. This is boring, and the pitch seems off by like, half an octave throughout most of it. When he goes into his shrill upper register it kind of ruins it. Von clearly has a powerful voice going for him, but I don't think this song allowed him to show us much of anything. Simon says Von's beginning to become boring. Randy thinks it was off-key and too serious. Kara says it was too dark, and she's disappointed that he's not making better use of his vocal ability. Paula says he's overthinking his singing too much. I don't think Von is meant for pop stardom. I think he's better-suited for theater or something.

Now it's time for the teen who got a second chance despite not impressing most of America, Jasmine Murray. Her song choice is Christina Aguilera's "Reflection." I'm actually less impressed here than I was last time. This is too amateurish. It reminds me of a high school talent show. Wow. I'm starting to sound like Simon. I have to agree with what the judges told her last week. I think she's a few years away from being truly ready for this competition. She's got obvious potential, but it's not fully developed yet. Randy says there were pitch problems, but she's 100% improved. Kara says she hadn't realized what a big voice Jasmine has. Paula says she did a wonderful job, Simon says it was a brave song choice and a huge improvement, but she sounded like a kid trying to be more grown up than she is. Wow. So they actually try to pimp her for that? I thought her version of "Love Song," the one everybody hated, was better.

Fodderboy Ricky Braddy takes on Stevie Wonder's "Superstition." His voice still reminds me of Jason Yeager, and since I liked Jason that should be considered a good thing. He's definitely proving that his first performance was no fluke. He hits every note correctly and you can tell that he's giving it his all. Some of the dancing is a little cheesy and the band drowns him out occasionally, but this is much better than anything else we've seen tonight. It'll be a shame if he doesn't make it. Kara says he held his own and did a good job. Paula says he nailed it. Simon says it sounded good, but it was a bit karaoke and the performance was clumsy. Randy says it was a bad song choice and felt indulgent. Let's look at our options here: A. Simon and Randy know how good Ricky is, so they hold him to a higher standard than the others. B. Ricky wasn't a contestant they had hopes of putting in the Finals, so they're trying to convince us at home that he wasn't really that good so we won't be disappointed when they don't pick him later. Guess which one I'm leaning toward?

Tatiana Del Toro is ready for her second chance, and she's doing "Saving All My Love For You." Again??? Tatiana, why couldn't you pick something new? Like last time, the low notes are a bit rough and get drowned out by the band. She's better than Jasmine, but there's still a slightly amateurish quality to it. She does well with the high notes though, and brings it home at the end. I think I liked it better the second time than I did the first time. Tatiana yells at the judges how much she loves them after she's done. Paula notes her accent, and Tatiana says that her accent comes out when she's emotional just like Jorge. She's so cute! Paula says she started shaky, but her power vocals were great. Simon asks why she didn't pick a new song, and Tatiana says she couldn't clear a better one in just one day, to which Simon says "rubbish." Big meanie. Randy says there were good and bad moments. Kara says she never knows which of Tatiana's personalities is going to show up. She's given the best performance out of all the girls tonight and yet, it seems like they're going out of their way to avoid telling her she did a good job. I wonder why.

Finally, it's Anoop Desai! In his intro clip he tells us that 'Noop Dogg is back. All right! He's doing the song we heard a snippet of in Hollywood, Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative." Awesome! He's going to do something fun! The early low notes are rough, but when it's time for the high notes he nails them. There are minor pitch problems here and there, but it's hard to complain too much. 'Noop Dogg knows how to work a stage, and this is a lot better than his last performance. I think nerves may still be affecting him to a degree, but if he continues in this competition I bet he'll end up blowing us away. This performance doesn't quite blow me away, but it's fun, well-sung and entertaining. Simon says the vocals weren't the best, but he's very likable, and that they need personalities, not just good singers. Finally, Simon actually admits that on the air. Randy says it was better than when he sang it in Hollywood. Kara says it's the best he's ever done and that she wanted to get up and dance. Anoop replies that he's glad a Carolina guy like him can make a Duke girl like her dance. Now that was funny. I didn't know Kara went to Duke. Paula's glad he went back and picked that song. Anoop further plays up his UNC ties by mentioning that it's been a rough day and that they're all thinking about Eve. Huh? I looked it up, and I found out that Eve Carson was UNC's student body president who was shot to death a year ago today. Wow. That's awful. I hadn't heard about that. I know that those Tar Heels are a tight-knit bunch, and Anoop certainly proves that.

My performance ranking:

Ricky (8 out of 10)
Anoop (6 out of 10)
Tatiana (5.5 out of 10)
Jesse (5 out of 10)
Von (4.5 out of 10)
Jasmine (3.5 out of 10)
Matt (3 out of 10)
Megan (2 out of 10)

So how do the judges decide? After all kinds of deliberation during the commercial (snicker), they're going to announce their picks.

First is Jasmine, and Randy announces that she's...in the Top 12???? What? That has to be a gender balance/racial diversity pick, because she really wasn't that good.

Next is Ricky, and he's a no. Awww. He was the best of the night. Now he has to go back to his soul-sucking job. Kara says he didn't show enough personality, so I guess that ties in with what Simon said earlier.

Next are Megan and Tatiana. Yeah, yeah, we know stupid Megan's going to make it, and then Tatiana's going to break down again and we can all laugh at her. You producers have no shame. Of course, that's exactly what happens. Horseteeth McNotalent is in the Top 12 and Tatiana starts crying. Tatiana kneels in front of judges' table, and Paula consoles her by saying they love her, this is just the beginning for her and she's not just going to be a singer, she's going to be an actress. I hope she does. Tatiana deserves to be successful. Could we get a head start on not voting for Megan and eliminate her now?

Next is Jesse. Simon says it's a no, but it was close. Too bad. She's better at what Megan does than Megan.

Von's turn. Paula says she believes he'll be a recording artist, but unfortunately it's a no.

Now it's Anoop and Matt for the final spot. The winner is...Matt! Boooooooo! But hold on a second, Anoop! This year it's going to be a Top 13! You're in! Well how do you like that? Now Kris Allen isn't my lone "horse" in the Finals!

Next week Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson will be on the show. OK. I could do without the first one, but Kelly's cool. Are they the mentors or the musical guests? I shudder to think what theme they'd be mentoring on.

By my ranking, three of the four in the "second division" (that means the lower half, for all you non-baseball historians) were picked as Wild Cards. Anoop was the only one who earned his spot. If they'd picked Matt over Anoop and then left it at that it would've meant that they were sending through the three worst of the night. Boy, would that have been a public black eye.

I called three of the four Wild Card picks correctly last night, and obviously I didn't know there were going to be four. As we've all been saying, the show is too predictable this year. That little "twist" wasn't surprising enough, because there were already internet rumors about it beforehand. You know, next year, if you really want to shake things up, you could return to the Top 24 format, tone down the pimping and let America decide for themselves! Oh wait...silly me, I forgot which show I was talking about.

So, Top 13. I'm guessing this means the two lowest vote-getters will be leaving in the first week of the Finals. I doubt they want to extend this season any longer than they have to.

In Season 6 I really liked five of the Top 12, and I was eventually won over by Phil Stacey. Last year I only really liked three of the Top 12. This year I only really like two of the Top 13. This show is going downhill big time. I like Kris because he's an underdog, but I have a feeling he won't last very long. I like Anoop too, so he'd better not let me down in the Finals, because he's the only one I really like who has a shot at winning.

Now it's time for my first power ranking of the season. Here's how I currently see things unfolding:

13. Jasmine Murray. Leah LaBelle Part II.

12. Kris Allen. I'll be voting for him, but I don't think he stands out enough, unfortunately.

11. Allison Iraheta. She had a good night in the Semis, but I don't think she has the fanbase to take her very far.

10. Anoop Desai. He has no sob story, but his likability and rallying of the UNC voters should keep him in it a few weeks. The show will be reeeeeeeeeally crappy from this week forward.

9. Alexis Grace. She has yet to prove she can do anything other than Aretha Franklin, but did you know she misses her daughter?

8. Megan Corkrey. Do you honestly think she's versatile enough to get any farther? The judges will pimp her to death each week, but eventually America will wise up.

7. Jorge Nunez. How powerful is the Latino vote?

6. Scott MacIntyre. His blindness is inspiring and all, but his subpar vocals and boring style will keep him from making it too far.

5. Lil Rounds. The fifth place finisher is always the opposite gender of the winner. Since Lil is probably the strongest female competitor at this point, that means she'll end up here.

4. Michael Sarver. He's got the Scott Savol everyman vote, and he wants to make a better life for his family. You know he'll be able to milk that for a while.

3. Danny Gokey. He's not marketable, and the dead wife story will only take you so far.

2. Adam Lambert. He's a natural onstage and possesses the most powerful voice in the competition.

1. Matt Giraud. It seems like a lot of people inexplicably love this guy. You just know Adam's going to turn off a lot of people over the course of the competition, so plenty of viewers are going to vote for Matt just because they don't want Adam to win. I'll bring a barf bag to the finale.

I hope Anoop and Kris surprise me by getting farther than I predict, but the way this season is going I'm not banking on it. Come on, guys! Prove me wrong!