I Keep Seeing This Strange Ad

So I go to Pro-Football-Reference.com to look up some stats, right? The following ad keeps popping up on different pages:



Out of the corner of my eye I keep thinking it's a picture of Brooke White! That model's head has a very Brooke-esque shape.


Speaking of Brooke White, I heard she landed a record deal recently. Congratulations go out to her! Hopefully in this economy there'll still be people who have the disposable income to buy music! I know I don't!

Auditions - New York/San Juan

Finally, it's here. After suffering through dozens of so-called singers who couldn't and gag auditions lacking that crucial element called humor, we're down to the last audition episode. This is a milestone for "American Idol," because this is the first time they've combined two cities in one show! I recall hearing that the Puerto Rico auditions didn't have a very good turnout and that the singers they found there weren't very good, so they probably figured San Juan wasn't worthy of its own episode. Hopefully "Idol" will do this "two cities in one show" thing more often!

Who did we see tonight?

Adeola Adegoke, Bronx, NY - "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls. This African girl quit her job because she was so confident that she'd make it to Hollywood. Bad choice, sister; you're terrible. Her accent doesn't help matters any. Now she's unemployed, but Simon, in ever the magnanimous gesture, talks to her boss on the phone and gets her job back! See what a nice guy he is? Nothing like that Gordon Ramsay, that's for sure! Yeah, I watched "Hell's Kitchen" after the show today. It was amusing, but I'm not sure I want another show to get into.

Jorge Nunez, Carolina, PR - "My Way." He sounds good in Spanish, and his English "What a Wonderful World" is OK too. He gets a yes. Simon says they came to Puerto Rico to find someone with an accent, and Paula compares him to Marc Anthony. Let's see, they've had a pure pop winner, a male R&B winner, a gospel-flavored female R&B winner, a country winner, a blue-eyed soul winner, a teen R&B/pop winner and a post-grunge rocker winner. I guess they're hoping for a Latin winner next? Aren't there any power-pop rockers who want to try their hand at this show?

Jessika Baier, Jackson, MI - "I Surrender" by Celine Dion. She's been in hundreds of singing contests and won several of them. I'm not a Celine Dion fan, but Jessika's fairly decent. How do the judges react? Like she just repainted their cars without letting them know (I know that isn't funny, but I'm sick of these auditions and I'm drawing a blank on funny things to compare the judges' reactions to right now). Maybe it was a little too loud, but no one ever complains about Kelly Clarkson being too loud. I'm genuinely surprised by how harsh the judges are on her. She's not that bad. I'm guessing there are lots of semi-decent auditioners they have to say no to on this show, but they don't get shown on TV because there's nothing interesting to see. Jessika probably would've been one if it weren't for her groveling after the judges rejected her.

Melinda Camille, Stratford, CT - "Feeling Good" from The Roar of the Greasepaint - The Smell of the Crowd. She's a bald girl with a tattoo on her wrist that wants to uplift humanity while dancing naked because there's a shift in the universe, or something like that. Can you say FROOT LOOP? She's a froot loop who can actually sing, though. Her voice reminds me too much of screechy Syesha Mercado from last year, so that's another strike against her. She gets through. Whoop-dee-doo. And I do. Cherish you. Did I mention I'm sick of recapping auditions and have run out of funny ideas?

Jackie Tohn, Silver Lake, CA - "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. She has sort of a funny personality, and a cool, raspy voice. "I'm Yours" is kind of a goof-off performance, with silly intonations and a dorky dance, but when she gets a chance to show her real voice on a serious song she's pretty good. Finally a contestant I could potentially like. She's different, has a personality and isn't annoying or tatted up. I'm keeping an eye on her.

Joel Contreras, San Juan, PR - "To Be With You" by Mr. Big. He's a street performer nicknamed the "crazy rocker." He'll do anything for a laugh, like running into walls and shouting random songs while playing the guitar. He comes in as a human iPod (or "guypod"), which I'm sure the sponsors love. He's not as funny as he thinks he is, but he did get a big laugh out of me for singing "The Circle of Life" while holding up a lion puppet. He celebrates getting a no by acting as if he'd gotten a yes. I kind of like him, actually.

Nick Mitchell, AKA "Norman Gentle," Brookfield, CT - "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls. Remember when I suggested retiring "Put Your Records On" yesterday? No? That figures. They need to retire "And I Am Telling You..." as well. I'm sick of every diva wannabe (and gasping Mormon boy) trying to show off with this song. Anyway, this guy is a joker who acts out a gay stereotype and directs some jokes at Simon that suggest he's involved with Seacrest. Well, he's certainly got guts. He's somewhat decent (though his pitch is questionable) when he tries to sing seriously with "Amazing Grace," but he can't resist turning it into a joke. The judges are so entertained that they send him to Hollywood even though he probably wasn't expected to get through himself. Man. I've been saying they should send one of the jokers through to Hollywood just for kicks, and then they choose this guy? Why not Joel? He was funnier! Once again, be careful what you wish for, Ian. It'll find a way to backfire on you.

Ashley Hollister from Hasbrouck Heights, NJ, is through. Kenny Hoffpauer from Havertown, PA, is through. Kendall Beard from Austin, TX, is through. Be on the lookout for possible fodder.

Monique Garcia Torres, San Juan, PR - "You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes. Instead of bringing her cute kid she brings her cute little brother. She's only 16, so if she'd brought her own kid it might've gotten a little heavy-handed. The judges love the brother, but they're correct in that Monique's voice isn't great. She sings Christina Aguilera's "I Turn to You" equally as mediocre. The judges decide to give her a shot, citing her youth as an excuse. I think it's really because they like the kid and want him to see his big sister get through. Enough with the kids, already!

Alexis Cohen, Philadelphia, PA - "Like a Prayer" by Madonna. Argh. She wasn't the least bit funny last year, but she was the audition "everybody" was talking about, so they decided to give her another chance. Man, this girl is so annoying I don't even feel like recapping it. It's a no, as we knew it'd be.

Patricia Lewis Roman, Casguas, PR - "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" by Whitney Houston. Her parents got married in the same building as the auditions, so that means it might be good luck. She has an OK voice, but it's kind of shouty. She reminds me of Asia'h Epperson, as she's young, really smiley and sounds average on this song. The judges send her through after she sings in Spanish, which prompts her family to break out their instruments and start a celebratory jam. How exciting for them.

Next week it's Hollywood, where we get to see how these people perform under pressure. Maybe they'll fill us in on all the members of the Top 36 whose auditions weren't shown. What? "American Idol" being fair? You're right. What am I thinking?

Auditions - Salt Lake City

Here we are in ol' Salt Lake, where most people are white, Mormon, really, really nice and prone to gasp and wheeze a lot. At least, that's what they want you to think. Let's see what types of people it really gives us:

David Osmond, Provo, UT - "Something Within Me" by Take 6. He's the son of Alan Osmond, the oldest of the Osmond siblings. He also has Multiple Sclerosis. He was once in a wheelchair, but now, like John Locke, he's walking again, since the MS isn't currently flaring up (why did my stinking brother have to get me into "Lost?"). He has a pretty good voice, but like his younger state-mate Archuleta, he loves him some runs. Simon says he's not contemporary, but he gets a yes anyway. He seems like a nice, clean-cut guy, so no stereotypes have been busted yet.

Tara Matthews, Salt Lake City, UT - "One Day I'll Fly Away" from Moulin Rouge. Weird, gothy girl who claims to have ESP. Can't sing, of course. Flips off the camera on the way out. Sterotypes officially busted!

Chris Kirkham, Ogden, UT - "Roll to Me" by Del Amitri. Has a friend in a pink bunny suit and carries around a picture of Simon's head on a stick. The friend in the bunny suit distracts the judges. He tries "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," but they reject him without really getting to hear him sing. There must've been something edited out. He didn't sound terrible from what we heard.

Frankie Jordan, Hollywood, CA - "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse. Another parent bringing out the cute li'l kids. She can sing, but the only reaction it inspires in me is a resounding "booooooring!" They want her to be the next Amy Winehouse, but since we already have one too many of those, perhaps she should pursue another path in life. That kid of hers isn't going to be too happy with a drugged-out train wreck mommy. Ryan gets an opportunity to use the line "Frankie goes to Hollywood" out of the judges' saying yes, but since she's already from there, well...at least it's consistent with the show's current theme: "Send them back to Hollywood!" I'm not enthused by this woman.

Megan Corkrey, Sandy, UT - "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" from Show Boat. Has an ugly arm tattoo (ugly tattoo, redundant, I know) just like Carpetbagger Carly and a kid just like everyone else on the show this year. She's divorced now. Poor kid has to grow up looking at his mother's skin graffiti. More busted stereotypes! Megan has a weird voice and employs odd phrasing. She sort of squawks the words. The judges love her because of how different she is, and there's also an apparent "ugly arm girl" quota they have to meet. I know I've been saying I want somebody different, but why...this? Be careful what you wish for, Ian. It'll find a way to backfire on you.

Andrew Gibson, Kearns, UT - "Oh Let Me Fly" by Harry Belafonte. Deep voice, somewhat funny, but not good enough. He apparently didn't take the whole thing too seriously though, which is lucky for him, since it's a no.

Austin Sisneros, Riverton, UT - "When I Look to the Sky" by Train. He's the senior class president, sees himself as a role model and wants to inspire people to follow their dreams. How wonderfully quixotic. His audition is slightly shouty, but he has an OK voice. The judges aren't sure, so he tackles Raffi's "It Takes a Village." He sounds much better on the second song, and he gets the yes he was looking for. Hilary Clinton would be proud. The judges love how likable and genuine he is, just like half the population of this region seems to be.

Jarrett Burns, Orem, UT - "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae. Is it time to ban this song yet? People seem to love auditioning with it. He has an OK voice and seems to add a unique touch to the song. We're to assume he gets through, though they don't show it. Now he has two claims to fame: he made it to Hollywood and he's the only black guy in Utah! He might have some Chikezie potential, but I'm not betting the farm on it. Chikezie was most likely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for America and they blew it.

Taylor Vaifanua, Hurricane, UT - "Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee." She's a tall 16-year-old, so guess who she gets compared to? Jordin Sparks, of course! Taylor has a deep voice and seems mature for her age, though she does have some of the same gleeful girlishness that Jordin had. She can't win this thing. There's only room for one winner named Taylor! Oh, her singing? It's OK, but I'm not overly impressed. Jordin was way better, and she's one of the less interesting winners.

Rose Flack, Rathdrum, ID - "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King. She gets The Final Audition, AKA The Pimp Spot Audition, AKA The Sob Story Audition, AKA The Quit Crying and Let's Focus on the Singing Audition. She's a weird tie-dyed barefoot hippie type. Her parents both died within the last four years, and now she lives with her best friend's family. Well, that stinks, but come on. I'm sure lots of contestants on this show have lost parents at a young age but don't feel the need to mention it. Sorry if it sounds insensitive, but it seems like they're stretching for a sob story. Her singing really isn't very good. Did they give us a surprise ending? Could they reject the sob story contestant? Nope, the judges love her as a person, think she's cool and send her through. Well, good for her. I don't see her surviving Hollywood though. If by some chance she does, she'll probably be out of her league for as long as she lasts in the voting stage.

Tomorrow we finally get the end of all this audition crap as New York and San Juan are squeezed into one hour! Happy happy joy joy!

Auditions - Jacksonville

OK, I've made a decision. I'm not going to try to recap every single moment of these audition shows, because it's tedious, it's time-consuming, there's way too much filler, and frankly, I doubt anyone enjoys reading a minute-by-minute recap anyway. I'll mention each televised auditioner and give a few thoughts, but getting down every last detail is pointless.

Tonight we're in Jacksonville, home of the NFL's Jaguars, to see if anyone here has the talent to be the next American Idol. Only three more audition shows to go, and am I ever glad! Who did we see tonight?

Joshua Ulloa, Beverly Hills, FL - "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye. Embraces similarities to Justin Guarini, has a decent voice and a funny personality, adding sound effects and such to the song. Unlike every other contestant possessing a personality who's tried out this year, he actually gets through. He'd be a fun addition, but I don't see him getting far on this show.

Sharon Wilbur, Jacksonville, FL - "Superstar" by The Carpenters. Has a Shih Tzu (hey, Hurley from "Lost" [hearts] those!) to make the judges love her. Has an OK voice, but the cracking rasp and weird pronunciation of certain vowels annoys me. That might sound hypocritical coming from a Brooke White fan like me, but the sound just didn't appeal to me. I don't see her doing very well based on that, but she seems like a sweet girl with a personality that could grow on me. She gets through, but she's upstaged by Kara and Paula fake-kissing. There's something weird going on between those two. It'll be nice when Paula gets kicked off the panel after this season and we don't have to deal with that crap.

Dana Moreno, West Palm Beach, FL - "Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan. Bad, and not in a funny way. Showing this audition was pointless, even if they did spend less than a minute on it. It's a no.

Kaneswa Finnie, Jacksonville, FL - "Caught Up in the Rapture" by Anita Baker. Annoying, nasal voice. They have to bring in her mother to tell her to stop enabling her daughter's overconfident tendencies. Another no.

Julissa Veloz, Orlando, FL - "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. The Latina beauty queen. Voice sounds potentially good, but she misses several notes. Has annoying accent in speaking voice. Paula walks away when she doesn't get to give her opinion before they take a vote. Seems like a staged moment. She gets a yes eventually and they play Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot." How fun and campy. If she makes it to the voting stages I see her getting annoying very quickly.

Darin Darnell, Houston, TX - "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday" by Boyz II Men. Fun and energetic, seems like a nice guy. Suddenly, his friend that he made in the holding room doesn't get through and he starts to cry. Once again, this whole thing seems staged. Now he's oh-so-crushed and has to fight off tears during his audition. He doesn't have anything resembling a strong voice and can't sing on-key. He gets a no, and good riddance to this staged crap.

Naomi Sykes, Tampa, FL - "Lovin' You" by Minnie Riperton. Her friend is Randy's biggest fan. Who knew Randy had fans? She compares herself to Mariah Carey because she can hit super high notes. Well, she's right about one thing. She hits the high note in the song (off-key, but the range is there), but the rest is just half-spoken melodic talking. She cries when she gets her well-deserved no.

Jasmine Murray, Starkville, MS - "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Youngest of six children, has three sisters. I wonder what it's like being her brother? He's surrounded by women! Her mother had toxemia when she was pregnant with Jasmine, so Jasmine is a total miracle! Awww. She's cute, and actually very good. It's a yes. She seems like another possible contender, though I'm not sure I'd vote for her.

George Ramirez, Jacksonville, FL - "Walkin' on Sunshine" by Katrina and The Waves. Weird, bearded physics guy. Has a low, almost whispery tone. He gets a no, as it was obvious he would from the beginning. "Walkin' on Sunshine" is later revealed to be the city song, so they obviously edited that in to make it look like he auditioned with it.

Ann Marie Boskovich, Nashville, TN - "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. She sucks up to Kara by singing a snippet of one of her originals that she heard her perform in Nashville. The judges tell her to come back and make herself look like a star. She changes her clothes, hair and makeup, which takes away from her girl-next-door appeal. Her voice is good, but not very distinctive. It's a yes.

T.K. Hash, Concord, NC - "Imagine" by John Lennon. He reminds me of Eric Arceneaux vocally. Good voice, and seems like a nice guy to boot. Copies stuff from David Archuleta's version of "Imagine" from last year, which Paula notices too. Of course, David took it from someone else too, so it's not really "his" version. T.K. tried out last year and got rejected, but this year he gets through.

Michael Perrelli, Orlando, FL - "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind. He's a guy who plays the guitar, and he gets overwhelming stage fright when he can't play it. He has a decent voice, but it's too mainstream alternative rock for me. He seems like any other busker with a guitar, but he really, really wants this opportunity. Instead, he gets a no and a stern lecture from Simon. He cries outside afterwards. Good luck, dude. I won't be buying your album if you do make it.

That was actually a decent audition episode. We saw some people who were mildly interesting for a change, and no one dragged their kids out as a cheap ploy for votes. Being only an hour long was good too.

Tomorrow it's off to Salt Lake City. That's Mormon country, so you know we're going to see a ton of super-nice people. I predict that someone I vote for this season will be introduced at tomorrow's auditions. See you then!

Auditions - Louisville

And we're off! To Louisville! Where they have horse racing, don't you know! I was thinking of going there to try out last summer, since it was the closest to where I was living, but I didn't feel like it was worth the trip. Maybe this summer they'll come closer to where I'm living now and I'll have the guts to try out. I should probably start getting my voice in shape soon if I'm serious about that. But am I? Eh, whatever.

They give us a bunch of filler to start the episode, as usual. We don't care about the judges arriving at the venue. We barely care about the auditions. Just get on with it, already!

First is Tiffany Shedd from Cincinnati. She wears a scary-looking amount of makeup, her hair color is a fake-looking blond and her accent is weird. Oh, and her parents are so supportive of her! She tells us that even if she gets rejected she'll walk out with a positive attitude. Gee, are they showing us that clip because they're setting us up for a meltdown of some sort? She sings Mariah Carey's "Hero" and sounds awful. She gets a no, which means she has to go to college. Don't go to college! It's a ripoff! Hey, remember what she said about having a positive attitude? No? We're going to play a clip of it again because you don't remember anything that happened more than a minute ago! She's going to have a positive attitude even if the judges say no! And now she's crying and ranting about how good she is. Ha ha ha ha ha! What irony!

Next is Joanna Pacitti from Philadelphia, who Vote For the Worst exposed as a plant like, fifty years ago. She walks in and Kara recognizes her from A&M Records. She was signed! Kara even knows her name before she tells them! Everywhere you go on this show there's a plant! My hopes of being the ninth American Idol are getting dimmer by the minute. At least they're being honest about it at her audition, but that doesn't mean America needs to give her a fiftieth chance at stardom. Really, America, it doesn't. She sings Pat Benatar's "We Belong" and the judges all say yes (duh), which makes her tear up. They're sure to include a clip of Kara saying "Those were real tears." Yeah, because we need to offset any backlash from her plantiness. Don't even think for a moment she's another fake, obnoxious Carly Smithson!

Mark Mudd from Cox's Creek, KY, looks like a fat, redneck Chris Richardson (I just know someone's going to think that's redundant). His great-great-great-great-grandfather was Samuel Mudd, who fixed John Wilkes Booth's broken leg after he shot Lincoln, and that's where the phrase "your name is mud" comes from. That's actually interesting if it's true, which it isn't. He sings George Jones' "White Lightning" with poor pronunciation and non-existent pitch, but the little sound effects that go with the song are funny. He seems like he'd be an entertaining performer, but his singing ability isn't good enough for this show. He gets a no from the judges, and casually tells them to "be careful" as he's leaving. The judges think it's a threat, but I'm not so sure it isn't some sort of colloquialism they're unfamiliar with. Whatever. You know they just want to embarrass him.

Brent Keith Smith from Blanchester, OH, does a good version of Bad Company's "Can't Get Enough." It's solid but boring, I think. Simon tells him it's "buskerish." Somehow this turns into the one millionth scene of the judges arguing (in this season alone!) while poor Brent has to wait forever for his yes. I'm sick of watching Kara and Paula get flustered by Simon. I see no entertainment value in it.

Louisville Slugger makes a bat with "American Idol Season 8" stamped on it. Baseball rocks!

We get a montage of bad contestants, among which only the fat Michael Jackson impersonator and the sheep vibrato girl are interesting.

Next is a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo named Matt Giraud. He sings Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Want to Be" in a voice that's boring, run-of-the-mill and not even all that powerful. He's not horrible, just uninteresting. With that as my initial reaction, what do the judges think? Paula says he's unique. Huh?? Kara likes him. Well, OK. I like '80s hair metal. Simon says he reminds him of Elliott Yamin. OK, maybe there's a slight similarity in their voices, but I don't think this guy has the same soul that Elliott did. He gets a yes, though I would've said no.

Ross Plavsic from Crestview Hills, KY is a frog-voiced nerd who challenges himself with stuff like foreign languages. He's apparently an opera fan, since he says he learned how his favorite opera singers use their voices to teach himself to sing. I like this guy. We nerds need some representation on this show! He sings "Cara Mia" by Jay and the Americans. He's actually not obscenely bad, but his voice and style aren't right for this show. He takes a drink from Paula's cup (America's been wondering what's in there for years), but it doesn't make his voice sound any better. He knows he sounds bad, and is totally understanding when he gets rejected. He gets a sudden impulse to sing James Ingram's "Just Once" in the hallway before walking off into obscurity. My brother and I both think he's a cool guy. Too bad you have to be a better singer to get on this show. I guess there's more pressure on me to represent the nerds next year.

It's time for a major backstory pimp in Memphis' Alexis Grace. She's a stay-at-home mom who's not yet married to her child's father (how scandalous!), but she plans to marry him once he gets out of the military. Blah blah blah, let's get the yes over with. She tells us she's going to sing "Dr. Feelgood" by Aretha Franklin. Ha. For a second there I thought she was going to say Motley Crue. She has a big voice, and though Simon is somewhat reluctant, he makes the yes unanimous. Great. Like I said in yesterday's recap, I'm sick of everyone bringing out their kids. I feel like the theme of this season is going to be "Battle of the Mommies and Daddies." Some of us can't even find a girlfriend, much less have kids.

You know, the judges are getting reeeeeeally bored, and they need something to liven them up. Louisville's Aaron Williamson to the rescue! He's a loud, high-energy guy, and he wants to be "America's Next Top Idol!" He takes on CCR's "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" He shouts more than sings it, but it's strangely soulful. Randy, Kara and Paula get into it, but Simon isn't amused. Aaron's so loud it even brings Ryan upstairs to see what the commotion is all about. This guy can't really sing, but he's pretty doggone entertaining. Why don't they put someone like Aaron through? I'm tired of seeing the same old contestants over and over. The only people we see any personality from in these auditions are the rejects.

Nashville's Rebecca Garcia was on the news that morning when a local reporter went through the line, and Paula even recognizes her. She has a cheat sheet on her arm in case she forgets the lyrics to her song: Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats." She's cheating on a song about being cheated on! Will these hilarious coinkidinks never stop??? She seems like a nice girl, but her singing is more like tuneful talking. Kara points out that Rebecca was voted "Most Humorous" in high school and realizes that this is all supposed to be a joke! Nice going, Rebecca! You amused them! Oh wait...you're serious aren't you? Awwwww. Poor Rebecca just got insulted by Kara. Smack Kara upside the head, Paula! Simon tells her she shouldn't attempt a career in music and she leaves sad. It's a shame she wasn't good. I kind of liked her.

Quick montage of good! Kris Allen from Conway, AR, is through. Felicia Barton from Virginia Beach, VA, is through. Ryan Johnson from Cincinnati is through, but he sounds like Michael Johns, so I hate him. Shera Lawrence from Bowling Green, KY, fakes out her family by acting sad and then holding up her gold ticket when she walks out. I guess these people are more fodder.

Leneshe Young from Cincinnati has a sob story about her hard life growing up. Join the club. She's today's audition pimp spot. A pastor prophesied that she'd make her family wealthy, so we just know she'll get through. She has an original song called "Nattie" which contains the line "I like your thuggish ways." She has a good voice, of course, and the judges can't stop raving about her. Her style definitely seems current, and I could see her going far in this competition. I'd probably never buy her album, but she seems like someone people would like. Of all the auditions we've seen this year, she's one of the few who immediately strikes me as a contender.

If there's anything interesting after this I didn't see it, because my annoying brother just couldn't miss a second of "Lost." We had to stop the tape and flip the channel before "Idol" ended. I doubt I missed anything, but it's still annoying.

Six hours of auditions and I still don't have a dog in this year's fight. I'm sure I'll find someone to latch onto as the season progresses. At least I'd better or...why would I want to watch except to make fun of it?

Until next week, I'm out.

Auditions - San Francisco

So here we are in San Francisco, this time with only one hour of auditions to sit through instead of two. Thank goodness! They've found great people here like Katharine McPhee and William Hung, so we're sure to find someone great this time, right? Hey, it says "Season 2" on the screen for William Hung's audition. I thought he was Season 3? Oh well, I'm not in charge of this stuff.

A couple actually gets engaged and married while waiting in line, so at least something good came of these auditions. There's probably a good joke there about how long the wait to try out is, but I'm too lazy to think of it.

First up is Tatiana Del Toro from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Didn't they hold auditions there this year? Are they combining that episode with this one and hoping we won't notice? She's a singer, actress and model, and a psychic told her she was going to make the Top 12. I guess we can pencil her into one of those slots right now! They show a montage of her laughing, then show her giving a Miss America-like speech about why she wants to be the next American Idol. It seems like they're setting her up to be bad. Simon asks why she didn't wait until they came to Puerto Rico, so I guess they aren't combining two audition cities. She sings Aretha Franklin's "I Never Loved a Man" and turns out to be pretty good. Well, she's pretty, period, but she's also a decent singer. Simon thinks she's a copycat, but Paula and Randy say yes, and Kara says no to the voice but yes to the vibe. So she's through, and she's extremely excited, because this means soooo much to her. Despite the mocking, I think her nervous laughing is kind of cute (please, someone give me a new word to use!), and unless she turned out to be a snob, I could see myself throwing her a few votes. Musically she's not my thing, but she seems likable.

We see a few brief bad auditions in the form of Antelope, CA's Nick Reed, who treats us to some bad beatboxing and Jiayi Yu from San Mateo, CA, who chooses "We Built This City" as her song. You either love that song or you hate it, and though I love it, I'm going to concede that it's a bad song choice. Of course, the titular city is supposed to be San Francisco, so it makes a little bit of sense. The poor singing really kills Jiayi's chances, though. Why am I wasting so much time on a bad audition?

Dean Anthony Bradford from Pasadena, CA resembles a wart hog, and his weird coat seems to be more important to him than his voice. He sings "Stars" by Simply Red, but it's totally overdone and he makes weird faces while singing. He sounds like he could actually be good if he didn't act so goofy. It's an obvious no. Simon thinks his hair color is fake, and he actually gets away with saying "the carpet matches the drapes" on a family show. Not an image any of us want. Go away weirdo.

Jesus Valenzuela from North Highlands, CA is a family man, which means this audition is just a formality. He sings Usher's "Nice & Slow," and Simon thinks it just doesn't work. He has a decent voice, but not a great one. Kara and Paula like him, and ask him to bring in his kids to help him plead his case. Oh, he's got this in the bag. Paula, Kara and Randy can't possibly say no to his "Unchained Melody" while these cute kids are in the room, so Jesus is going to Hollywood. Woo-hoo. Is anyone else sick of seeing all these children at the auditions?

Dalton Powell from Manteca, CA has mad Rubik's Cube skillz, but his soft, falsetto-ey, cracking voice on Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" is terrible. He's a fan of Simon, but he's never sung in front of anyone before, so he's a no. He sounds like he could be good with more experience, but he's not ready for this show.

James Smith from Sacramento has a terrible voice, but he puts his passion into singing for Paula. Randy encourages him to let loose by saying "she wants a baby" (cue record scratching sound effect and silence). Awkward.

Filler alert! They show us some "Summer of Love" clips from Haight-Ashbury, then move on to clips of Simon and Kara fighting.

Akilah Askew-Gholston from Oakland has a bunch of stuff printed out about vocal technique and the biology of singing, but does that mean she'll make it? She has trouble with pronunciation and proper word choices, and corrects people who tell her the right way to say it. She thinks she's so smart. Her audition song is an original, entitled "Make Sweet Love," and she sounds like a robot singing it. There's this thing called phrasing, Akilah. She tries "A Natural Woman," but it's no better. She hits a bad note and asks if she can try it again because she "came from the wrong rectum." Oh, she thinks she's such an expert. She then tries to suck up by saying how strong the judges' credentials are (did you know Paula had a "very hit song" in the early '80s?), but it doesn't help. Paula eventually walks out and Kara has to hug her and send her away because she won't shut up. After she's out of the room she talks about how they made her feel like a bad auditioner (Because she was one! Hahahahahahahaha!), and says she shouldn't have let them "arachnitate" her. This goes on too long, and it's a relief when the segment finally ends.

They show a montage of good auditioners. Hey, there's a novel idea! John Twiford from Sherman Oaks, CA gets through on "Overjoyed," Allison Iraheta from Los Angeles gets through on "A Natural Woman" and Raquel Houghton from Los Angeles gets through on "Son of a Preacher Man," all songs that have been sung a million times on "Idol." They sound good based on their clips, but they're probably fodder.

Annie Murdoch from Novato, CA loves to scat like Ella, but she sings "Summertime" awfully. Simon says she sounds like she's drunk. Fortunately, she takes her rejection with good humor and the segment doesn't go on forever.

Adam Lambert from Hollywood, CA is a musical theater type, so he probably fits right in in old San Fran. His song is "Bohemian Rhapsody," which he pulls off well. It's a theatrical song, which is perfect for his style, and he has sort of a rock edge to his voice too. The judges all say yes, and he personally thanks each judge with the kissing or shaking of hands. Good singer, but something about him bothers me. I think I've heard he's somewhat planty, so maybe that's what it is.

Up next: the heartwarming story of a guy and his mom! Typical blatant pimping. We know this dude's going to Hollywood.

He's the last of the day, so he gets the audition pimp spot. His name is Kai Kalama from San Clemente, CA, and he takes care of his mom, who has a seizure disorder. They show a video of him leaving home and his family wishing him good luck. That means one of three things:

A) The producers anticipated his coming, which makes him a plant.
B) This is him leaving for Hollywood, which means we already know he gets through.
C) They staged this little scene, which is fake and stupid.

Anyway, we all know what's next: He sings "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes," sounds great and gets a yes from all the judges. Good luck dude, unless you're a plant.

So that's it until tomorrow. You know, if you take out the teasers and commercials, there's less than 40 minutes of actual show. Just imagine how much there'd be if they cut out the dumb bad auditions and useless filler.

I'm aware that this post hasn't been very entertaining, and I apologize if it wasn't worth reading. The problem is that not many of these auditioners have piqued my interest. The field doesn't look very promising at the moment. I know, I know, we won't know how good they really are until we see them perform on stage, but you'd think someone would've stood out by now. Maybe tomorrow we'll finally discover that person.

See you tomorrow in Louisville!

Auditions - Kansas City

OK, according to MJ's Big Blog these two-hour audition shows are a special thing for this week, and subsequent ones will be only one hour. I certainly hope that's correct, because recapping them is quite the chore. That schedule also tells us that the result shows are still a full hour, which is a total gyp, since they were saying before that they'd be only 30 minutes this year. Maybe it'll change when we reach the Top 12. I just hope the cheesy group numbers don't get cut. Those are ever so much fun!

In other news, the preliminary ratings for last night's show are down 10% from last year. Do you think this means the producers will realize that the people who watch "American Idol" are us diehards? Do you think they'll actually give us fans the changes we want? Do you think they'll cut back on bad auditions, stop letting plants in and stop blatantly manipulating the results? Hey, quit laughing, I like to dream!

We're off to Kansas City (hey hey hey hey!) to see if anyone there has what it takes to be the next Idol. Considering how bad the Chiefs and Royals are, those people in western Missouri need something to get excited about. We see a bunch of David Cook clips and then the obligatory crowd shots. Paula is surprised by Jason Castro when she gets out of the limo. He's there to support his little brother, who's trying out this year. Just what we need: another annoying Castro.

Our first auditioner is Chelsea Marquardt from Parsons, KS. She says that people are always surprised to hear a powerful voice from someone like her. Well, someone sure is confident. She gives Badfinger's "Without You" a try, and she instantly adds herself to the "pretty, but can't sing" file. They always have to start with a bad one, don't they? Simon makes a crack about it sounding like a cat jumping off the Empire State Building. Randy even joins in on the joke. Is it just me, or is Randy alternately really mean and really nice? They focus on her rejection for far too long. We don't need to see all the disappointment and stuff. Just move on.

Next is Ashley Anderson from Clarksburg, NJ. She sucks up to Simon by singing a song he co-wrote for Leona Lewis, "Footsteps in the Sand." She bungles a few lyrics in the beginning, but Simon is right there to correct her. She's just OK when she starts out low, but her upper register is pretty powerful. She gets four yeses. Ryan asks if picking a song Simon co-wrote was part of her strategy, and she admits that it was a factor. How savvy. She's good but boring. I don't see her getting very far based on this audition.

The pre-break promos go on waaaaay too long. Of course, what else are they going to do with that time? Show us some people who actually get through? Ha! The Top 36 needs cannon fodder contestants that no one's ever seen before! So there!

Casey Carlson from Minneapolis, MN is next. The occupation listed on her info bar is "bubble tea maker." I have no idea what that is, but it sounds girly. She sings Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles," and when you pick a boring song you get a boring performance. As I've been saying a lot throughout these auditions, at least she's cute. There are too many cute girls on this show! Despite that weird nasal part in upper register, she's a decent singer, just nothing that special. The judges say yes. Hooray.

Brian Hettler from Kansas City is an opera-trained singer. He got discouraged with music two years ago, but now he wants to return. Will he be triumphant? What's his song choice? Aretha Franklin's "Think"! Hoo boy. He does this weird semi-operatic deep-voiced version. He reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it. Simon tells him how bad it is, and asks him if people compare him to Josh Groban (apparently that's what the sheet says). Paula adds Michael McDonald. Maybe that's who he reminds me of. A slightly effeminate Michael McDonald. Brian tries "You Raise Me Up," which is just as bad. It was obvious he was going to be bad from the beginning. At least he manages to keep a shred of dignity by not breaking down on camera.

We see a montage of crying contestants, some of which look fake. We finally see that girl whose crying looks like some sort of cathartic puking. Good, now we can stop being teased with that clip of it. It's not that funny, producers. Really. I'm not sure how many people actually enjoy the part where people's dreams are crushed. Then again, getting on "American Idol" shouldn't be so important that you break down when you don't get on. It's good to have dreams, but for a longshot like "Idol" you can't let your life revolve around it.

Ryan's talking outside when...oh look! David Cook's parents just happen to be crossing the street! There's some chit-chat about how excited they are about David's new career. That's nice. Ryan mentions how Cook's talent was making songs his own while a clip of his "Billie Jean" performance rolls. I guess doing Chris Cornell's version is "making it your own" now. There was another contestant last year who did a much better job of making songs his own. Oh, what was his name...Chikezie? Yeah, he was good, but who cares about him, right?

Another montage of bad contestants. I really don't care about these people. Get them off my screen.

Von Smith of Greenwood, MO is next. Hey, wait a minute! That's the famous "And I Am Telling You..." guy from YouTube! His video became so popular that he even got invited to appear on "The View"! Plant! Plant! Plant! I only know this because I'm a nerd who wastes time on sites like YouTube and I saw the clips. Just wanna clear that up for anyone who thinks I watch "The View." I remember reading somewhere that all the publicity he'd gotten helped him land a record deal. If that's true, he's going on my "boycott" list. Interestingly enough, after his performance on "The View," Rosie O'Donnell told him that he was better than anyone on "American Idol." Funny how he needs to lower himself to the level of this show.

Oh, you want to know about his audition? Well, he opens his mouth really wide, which is sort of creepy, and he totally oversings "Over the Rainbow." Actually, I take that back. What he's doing isn't singing, it's glorified yelling. If I may be permitted to go on a mini-rant here, I hate the fact that so many people think that singing is all about hitting high notes and sustaining them. Singing is about expressing feelings and telling stories through a song, not about vocal gymnastics. Von here just belts out high notes and holds them for as long as he can. That's not singing, it's taking a good song, putting it on the rack and flogging it a few times for good measure. If Vonnie Boy gives this treatment to every song he sings, er...vocally interprets, he'll quickly become a running joke. Brianna Quijada from last night didn't have Von's vocal chops, but she actually sang, doggone it, and I liked her much better. My brother thinks Von is annoying. I can't disagree. They pause for a break before we find out his fate. Oooh, such drama. When they get back we see that it's a unanimous yes. Gee, didn't see that coming.

We finally get to see Jason Castro's brother Michael. He's a dork with red dyed hair, and he has the same awkward, airheaded style as Jason. Oh, and guess what? He's also bad at interviews! Bwahahahaha! Michael makes some offhanded comment about Jason being "girly" which they sit and debate. Who cares? I liked Jason for a while last year, but now I think he's an overrated loser, especially since Vote For the Worst exposed him as a mooch with greedy stage parents. So how is Michael's singing? Actually, much better than Jason's (not that that's so hard). He claims he just started singing 20 days before the audition. Um...yeah, right. The judges love how laid-back he is, and he gets through. Well, I'll give him credit for a good audition, but that doesn't mean I have to like Castro Numero Dos. Hey! That can be his nickname from now on! Like any good "Idol" recapper, it's my responsibility to give everyone a dumb nickname that may or may not make sense to anyone but me.

We see a brief clip of Vaughn English from Prairie Village, KS. I guess he must be the Prairie Village idiot. He sings some song about a banana while doing a dance, and all it does is confuse Simon. They ought to put one of these jokers through just for kicks sometime. No, Bikini Girl doesn't count. Speaking of which, Bikini Girl has been everywhere since last night's show. I'm already sick of her. Her next stop is probably either Playboy or "Beauty and the Geek."

Matt Breitzke from Bixby, OK is next. He's married with a kid, so you know he'll get through. He decides to sing "Ain't No Sunshine," and it's pretty good. What's with these burly white soul singers? Scott Savol was no anomaly, apparently. Randy says no, Kara says yes, Paula says yes and Simon...says yes. This drama with Simon having the deciding vote is already getting old. Matt's a likable guy, so I'm glad he gets through.

Jasmine Joseph from Norfolk, NE wants to represent the jazz genre. She has two-tone hair and we apparently already saw her get rejected in earlier montage. She's terrible and gets a no (of course). Now I know what those weird girls from high school did in their spare time.

Jessica Furney from Wamego, KS lives with her elderly grandma, and there's a lot of "Wizard of Oz" stuff in her town. We get to see her house and her grandma and stuff, and I doubt we'd see that if she wasn't getting through. She sings "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin. I'm a sucker for a girl with glasses, but her voice and style don't appeal to me. She is pretty good though. She's a yes. Whatever.

Who doesn't love people who audition together? How about Asia McClain and India Morrison, two sisters from Kansas City who can rap about a cookie? Hmm, they both have geographical names. You wouldn't guess these two were sisters, since they look totally different. When the rapping ends and the singing commences we find out that India can sing and Asia can't. Asia's incredibly happy for her sister. She goes on a rambling spiel about how India's a singer, a dancer, a choreographer...hey! She's the next Paula Abdul!

Jamar Rogers from Milwaukee has a weird mini-mohawk and his rendition of "California Dreamin'" is kind of shouty, but he gets a yes. That's funny. I was actually expecting a no. I guess he's good enough to deserve it, though.

Next is Jamar's white "brother" Danny Gokey, also from Milwaukee. We see that there's a sob story coming up during the pre-break promos, but this one is actually pretty moving. His wife died four weeks before the audition, and he almost didn't have the strength to try out. Now that's sad. I can only imagine what it's like to lose the love of your life. Then again, I can only imagine what it's like to have the love of your life actually love you back. Sorry, back to Danny. He sings "I Heard it Through the Grapevine," and it's actually really good. He makes it through, and the judges rave about him, saying he's one of the best they've had all day. Good on him.

More bad auditions. More me not caring enough to recap them.

Anoop Desai is an Indian guy from Chapel Hill, NC. Once again an auditioner sings Boyz II Men's "Thank You." He's got a pretty good voice. The judges are surprised that someone like him is so soulful. What, Indians can't be soulful? Why do the judges always stereotype people because of how they look? Haven't they seen enough auditioners whose looks don't match their voices by now that they don't get surprised by this stuff? Don't any of them remember Rick Astley? Whatever the case, he gets through, but they tell him to work on his dorky wardrobe.

"Signed, Sealed, Delivered" is the montage song. Oh brother. I'm going to save space on my tape now.

When we get back from the commercial we see another montage, this time of gimmicky contestants. That's a perfect segue to our next contestant, who has two cheerleaders introduce him. Neither one looks like the cheerleader type. One is a big, tattoo-armed black girl and the other is a skinny white girl who seems to like singing in an operatic voice. Our auditioner is Andrew Lang (not to be confused with the former journeyman NBA center) from Columbia, MO, who takes on "My Girl." He doesn't have a bad voice, but he overmelismafies it a little. You know, I kind of like this guy. He seems like a dork with a creative streak. The judges aren't sure about him, and he tries another Temptations song, the "Idol" standard "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." Paula says hes too theatrical, and he ultimately gets a no from all the judges. Too bad. I think he might've been interesting.

Asa Barnes from Kansas City is a school band director. They show clips of him instructing the marching band and, oh! He has four-year-old daughter! Come on, you know this guy's going to make it. America doesn't want to see a cute little girl get sad because her daddy was rejected by the "American Idol" judges. They're probably going to pimp him big time if he makes the Top 36. Asa sings "The Way You Make Me Feel" (another song we heard yesterday), and he's OK, I suppose. Simon asks him why he picked that song, and Asa can only say it's because he liked it, which Simon says is the right answer. He gets yeses all around. Congrats, buddy.

Next up is Michael Nicewonder from Grand Island, NE, and I already feel sorry for his impending humiliation. The guy has a bleach-blond bowl haircut and looks like he lives in a trailer park. There's also something sort of Lloyd Christmas-y about him. It's obvious he'll be bad, even though he shows us a medal he won for "vocalization." He sings an original song, and it's as terrible as we all expected. He cries outside after the judges reject him. Poor guy. It's hard to explain what I feel when I see people like this. It's as if they're clueless about how to make themselves presentable, and I think they deserve sympathy more than ridicule. Maybe he can go on "Beauty and the Geek" and get paired up with Bikini Girl.

Dennis Brigham from Glen Carbon, IL says he had a dream about Simon saying he was the best they'd seen, so he's optimistic about his chances. My gut feeling is that he's going to be like that X-Ray guy from yesterday: an energetic reject. He does a backflip when he gets in front of the judges, and he accompanies Chris Brown's "With You" with some dance moves. He's actually not as bad as I thought he'd be. He likes to move around a lot and has weird teeth, though. He eventually gets a yes after begging the judges, with Simon overruled by the other three. I thought he was likable, even if somewhat deluded about how good he is. I'm glad he made it.

Mia Conley from Kansas City is asleep in the lobby when her name is called. That probably happens more than we think, since I hear there's a lot of waiting involved in the audition process. She's sure she's the next American Idol, and to prove it, she sings Minnie Riperton's "Lovin' You." It's not good. She skips the super-high note the first time around, but after the judges prompt her to try it she sort of hits it. They think she's nice, but that it's a no. Oh well. She's probably happy that she gave it her best shot and that the judges were easy on her, right? Nope. After she leaves the room she starts ranting about how the judges made a mistake and "God's gonna make you pay." Sheesh. Get over yourself. Why are there so many people who can't accept rejection with grace?

Finally we get Lil Rounds from Memphis, TN. She's a mother of three, and she had to move her family to a motel when a tornado hit their house. Backstory! Pimping! She sings "All I Do" by Stevie Wonder, and does an incredible job. Good pitch, good tone, even a cool rasp in there at times. She's a definite yes. The judges smother her with compliments, which overwhelms her. They comment on how she doesn't know she's so great. I believe she's probably sincere, but if she keeps showing this sort of humility she'll probably get bashed by the same cynics who thought Melinda Doolittle was fake. I guess genuinely humble people are so rare these days that nobody believes them when they see them. Oh well. I still like Melinda. She seems like a sweet person, and if you remember my love of Brooke White from last year, you know I like sweet girls. Lil seems like someone I wouldn't have a problem with.

They close the show with a montage of people getting gold tickets. One of them is the cute blond girl with glasses and a pink shirt who they made look like a bad audition in an earlier montage. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of her. One guy is bald, wears khaki pants and a t-shirt. For a second I think it's John Locke from "Lost." That show had better not conflict with "Idol" too much.

Well, that wraps it up. Thank goodness the audition shows are only an hour long from now on. I can't take having to write this much about so little.

Auditions - Phoenix

It's the moment we've all been waiting for: the first audition episode of American Idol 8! Well, I haven't been looking forward to the auditions so much, but they're part of the process of getting to what I really want: the music. I'm not sure why I decided to inflict the pain of recapping the audition shows on myself, but here I go.

The first thing we see is a quote from David Foster. You can almost hear the ominous music. Then we see a montage of past moments on "Idol" set to "What a Wonderful World". They range from the stupid staged bad auditions that we're all sick of to the stars like Kellie Pickler, Clay Aiken, and Elliott Yamin's late mother. Of course, they show Sanjaya and the crying girl too, since they know we love those types of surreal phenomena.

It looks like Kelly Clarkson is no longer spotlighted at the end of the theme song. The three featured faces are now Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks and David Cook. I guess her disputes with the record company caused some resentment.

They show the announcement of the winner from last year. It was so dramatic, wasn't it? They cut to a video of some preteen David Archuleta fans freaking out when Cook is announced as the 7th Idol. That's sort of funny, actually. Those girls won't even care about Archie in two years. They talk to David Cook, and he's so happy to be a star now, blah blah blah. Quit drawing this whole thing out with an interminable intro!

Ryan stands by the Grand Canyon to show everyone they're in Phoenix. Finally they show us the huge group of suckers who want to stand in line for this show. Hey, is that Garrett Haley playing guitar? Is he trying out again? Is he even eligible? He sure got screwed last year, didn't he? Jordin Sparks is there to talk to the crowd at auditions. She'll always have work as long as "Idol" is somewhere in the vicinity of Arizona.

They introduce new judge Kara DioGuardi. She's a songwriter who's written for a lot of today's pop artists, including several Idols, and we already know all this because we've read about her on the internet. She's definitely raising the attractiveness quotient at the judge's table.

First up is Tuan Nguyen, from Spring Valley, CA. He's a Vietnamese guy with a 'fro and Michael Jackson moves. I think this is going to be a joke. Of course, I say that and he'll probably be good. He says he wants to be as big as Michael Jackson and Britney Spears combined. Good luck, buddy. He sings "The Way You Make Me Feel". He's not terrible, but not great either. The judges get into the performance, but ultimately say no. No big loss.

Next is Emily Wynne-Hughes from Los Angeles. Let's pause for a little math lesson here. Pink hair plus piercings plus tattoos equals ugly! We saw this girl on the commercials, so we know she gets through. She tells us she's in an all-girl rock n' roll band and sings "Barracuda." She's pretty talented, but if she could sing this song without coming off like an Ann Wilson copycat I'd be a lot more impressed. Ann Wilson is great (I saw Heart in concert last summer with Cheap Trick and Journey, and she still sounds incredible), but there's only room for one of her (and no, that's not a snarky comment about her weight). Paula says she thinks Emily is Top 5. Of course, Simon said that about Sundance Head. We find out her bandmates don't know about her trying out for the show, but she says she wants to go the Daughtry route. I guess that means she'd hire them as her backup band? When the judges give her the verdict (they say yes, of course) we hear "Alone" in the background. Ugh, haven't we heard that song enough on "Idol"? This girl is too much like Carpetbagger Carly Smithson for my liking.

Next is emotional rocker Randy Madden from Moorpark, CA. He apparently thinks it's still the 80's judging by his clothes. He says he just wants someone to tell him he's great, then starts tearing up. He sings "Livin' on a Prayer," and it's not very good. Simon says it sounded wimpy. I think he has some trace of an OK voice, but he's too shouty. Paula tries to be encouraging to him, but Simon is much less sympathetic. The judges say no and Paula gives Simon the finger. People need to stop putting so much stock in "Idol." I'm sure it's affirming to have them tell you you're good, but you can't let their opinions be the most important thing.

Oh boy, J.B. Ahfua from Taylorsville, UT. He has a good voice, but sounds like a David Archuleta/Clay Aiken/Anthony Fedorov type. Boring. The judges say yes. He tears up in the lobby and talks about wanting to help his family. I hope he can help his family, but I also hope we don't have to be beaten over the head with sob stories this year. Oh, who am I kidding? That's how this show works.

Now we come to Michael Gurr from Mesa, AZ. He's nervous. Really nervous. He's terrified of the judges. They show shots of the judges in a green tint just to play off the idea of them as scary monsters. Boffo. You know he'll be bad. He mumbles "Starts With Goodbye" by Carrie Underwood. What a shock! He's terrible! This guy is an early favorite to return at the finale. Simon says he could've been singing in Bulgarian. Poor kid. He also sucks up to Kara by singing a Carrie Underwood song she wrote, "Sometimes You Leave." Michael even seems to acknowledge that he's terrible by the time it's over. If he's this nervous at the auditions, I can't imagine how bad he'd be onstage.

They show us a montage of bad auditions, which I don't care enough about to recap.

Up next is Aundre "X-Ray" Caraway, a crazy, energetic guy from Phoenix. He tends to overpronounce his words, similar to Gedeon McKinney. He sings "Cactus Baby", an original song that he accompanies with a weird dance. He's a fun guy, but you know they won't say yes to him. They don't.

On we go to Arianna Afsar, from San Diego. She started singing when she did karaoke at age 6. Karaoke? She's perfect for this show! She started a group called Adopt-a-Grandfriend, where they visit elderly people to cheer them up. How nice. She's cute, but has too much apparent business sense not to be a plant. She sings "Put Your Records On." Her voice isn't outstanding, but it's probably just good enough for the judges to say yes. They put her through, but it seems to be based as much on personality as voice. I doubt she'll get far if she makes the Top 36.

Next is Phoenix's extremely deep-voiced Elijah Scarlett, and yes, that is his real voice. Man, how cool would it be to have a voice that deep? He sings "You're the First, the Last, My Everything" by Barry White, but he's not a good singer. The judges recommend voiceover work for him. Hey, he could be the next Thurl Ravenscroft!

Let's see...a pink shirt, a pink cowboy hat, a short, pleated jean skirt. Where do you think this girl is from? Did you guess Connecticut? Well, that's what she says, but it says Los Angeles on the screen when she starts singing. Her name is Lea Marie Golde, she's 16, and she says she's a cross between Hilary Duff and Madonna. She's also Kara's biggest fan! She has a book full of the over 100 songs she's written. She sings "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada. She has good pitch, but her voice is too nasal. Kara says she's not sure if her voice is fully developed. It's a no. She says "See you next year judges!" as she leaves, so perhaps we haven't seen the last of her. I feel like a dirty old twenty-something for saying this, but she's another cute girl. I thought she was kind of annoying when her segment began, but she grew more likable as it went on. I say good on her for not giving up.

Stevie Wright from Phelan, CA is next, and she says she was named after Stevie Nicks. Her game plan is to be bubbly, which suggests that she's faking her personality. She's super smiley, almost annoyingly so, but her rendition of "At Last" is amazingly good. Simon says she needs to be mean and push people out of the way. Simon just doesn't like niceness, does he? Randy says you're either born with it or you're not (right, it's not like people develop the ability to sing by practicing or anything), and says that Stevie has definitely got it. The judges say yes, and I have to agree with them on that decision.

They keep promoting "Bikini Girl" before the commercial breaks. You know they'll save it for last like they did with Renaldo Lapuz, though. Of course, we've seen her on the commercials already.

Next is Michael Sarver, from Jasper, TX. He's a roughneck, one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. They do a mini-sob story about him wanting to help his family. Yippee. He sings "Thank You" by Boyz II Men, and it's actually pretty good. The judges say yes, and can't seem to get over the fact that a guy who looks like he does has such a good voice. I could see him being sort of a Josh Gracin figure this year.

Goody! More bad auditioners I don't care about!

Whoa, we're getting Bikini Girl early. Her name is Katrina Darrell, from Chino Hill, CA. She auditioned in a bikini in order to stand out, and it certainly worked. She tells Ryan she'll make out with him when she gets through. She walks in front of the judges, Simon's eyes pop out of his head, and she even turns around so the guys can get a look at her butt. She turns out to be a semi-decent singer. My brother (who I'm watching this show with now that I took that major step in every nerd's life and moved out of my mother's house) says he's seen her on MTV. He thinks it was "My Super Sweet 16." Whoa! Plant alert! Kara says it wasn't sung right, then sings it herself. Hey, Kara's got a voice! Katrina demonstrates again, and the runs sound horrible. Kara doesn't think Katrina should get through, but Katrina talks back and says that Kara can't sing any better. Yeah, I could see someone with an attitude like that on "My Super Sweet 16." Since Randy and Simon are horndogs, they say yes, while the two women say no. Paula reluctantly says "Welcome to Hollywood," and Katrina jumps up and down in excitement. Randy tells her again just so he can watch her bounce a second time. She even makes good on her promise to make out with Ryan. Her parents must be so proud.

Next is Eric Thomas, from Phoenix. He's got a few tattoos, including his nickname, "Sexual Chocolate," on his back. Why do I get the impression that this guy is totally full of himself? He sings Stevie Wonder's "Ribbon in the Sky," and it's not very good. Too nasal and breathy. "Thank you, Sexual," says Simon. We find out his mother is getting him a car if he doesn't make it. How spoiled can you get? Since it means he won't be on "Idol" this year, he can have his car.

Leading cheers in the lobby is Brianna Quijada from Tempe, AZ. She's so excited to be there, and can't believe she's in front of the judges. She sings "Let's Hear it For the Boy." Her voice is very mediocre, but I have a feeling she'll make it. The judges like her personality, but they're iffy about the voice. She also sings "Killing Me Softly," and it's actually a lot better than the first song. Despite not being an incredible singer, the judges think she's fun. Randy and Kara say no, but Paula says yes. It's down to Simon and (drumroll)...he says yes. She's so excited. The best part is where she hugs the judges and freaks out over Paula Abdul. I like her. She seems so...real.

Deanna Brown from Louisville, KY doesn't have any family there, but she's happy to borrow other people to be her family members. Hey, didn't they have tryouts in Louisville this year? Why is she in Phoenix? She sings "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay." Her voice is powerful, but her thick southern accent makes it sound weird to me. Once again, she's kind of cute. The judges ask her if she's tried to get into the music business before. She says yes, she was in Los Angeles trying to start her career. So that explains why she wasn't in Kentucky. She says she's trying out here because she never had the right opportunity before. It's odd that they would include this exchange. Are they building up sympathy for her now because they know her past record deals will inevitably be discovered? I have no idea if she's a plant, but that little bit makes me wonder.

Cody Sheldon from Detroit is next. He makes gory horror films and resembles a girl I knew in college. Yes, she was kind of cute too. Something makes me think he'll be a favorite of the tween girls if he gets far. I'm not sure what they'd see in a guy who looks feminine and has Paula Abdul's hair, but for some reason it seems like they would. Then again, I was never popular with the girls when I was a teenager. Come to think of it, I'm still not. He sings "Wonderful World" by James Morrison, and he's got a good voice. He's through to Hollywood.

They keep promoting the same people before the commercial breaks, so we kind of know who's going to get through. Takes the suspense out of it, doesn't it?

Simon's little game this year is to ask auditioners which three countries they'll be popular in. Of course, there are several morons who can't give a coherent answer. Alex Wagner-Trugman from Studio City, CA tries to give him a creative answer by naming some obscure countries. He's kind of a nerd, so I could possibly vote for him. He tells us he once got sick from practicing his singing in a closet with mold in it. This leads to a weird exchange with Simon and the other judges about the whole "coming out of the closet" thing. He sings "Baby Come to Me" by James Ingram, and wants Randy to sing along on the chorus. His voice is decent, but it's slightly soft and breathy. He reminds me of David Hernandez, because he's got weird eyes and a similar vocal tone. He gets through, since Randy loves him so much and has the girls on his side. It's not clear if they're trying to spite the unenthusiastic Simon or if they really like him, but whatever. Go geeks!

"Wanted Dead or Alive" is this year's medley song. We know these aren't sung in front of judges, so stop putting them in front of that backdrop, interspersing clips of the judges and pretending they are. We're not stupid, producers.

For our last audition we'll see the inspiring story of a blind guy named Scott MacIntyre. I know this before they get back from the break, because they keep telling me. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he gets through to Hollywood.

Scott time. He's from Scottsdale, AZ, he's blind, and he says his disability led him to explore the world of sound. He has a guide lead him into the audition room. He tells the judges he graduated from Arizona State at age 19. Impressive. He sings Billy Joel's "And So it Goes." He has a pretty good voice, but it doesn't blow me away. He gets four yeses for being so darn inspirational. Good for him. I just hope this doesn't become a sympathy thing though. I'd imagine Scott doesn't want it that way, but we'll see.

Well, that's it for Phoenix. I think I'm already regretting doing recaps for the audition shows. Oh well. I'll thank myself someday. Maybe.

American Idol Returns Tonight!

Well, it's back. The 8th season of American Idol begins in a few hours. I'm not as excited about this season as I was about last year's (probably because it's turning into The Plant Show), but I'm sure there'll be a few "real" people to vote for. Heck, last year I was upset about the plants, but I ended up getting really into it, so it'll probably happen that way again.

This time I'll start recapping during the auditions, just for the heck of it. It'll be fun to look back and see what my initial reactions to these people were. One of them will end up winning, after all (come on, you think someone whose audition isn't shown has any chance of winning?).

Check back later tonight for my recap of the first episode.