Auditions - New York/San Juan

Finally, it's here. After suffering through dozens of so-called singers who couldn't and gag auditions lacking that crucial element called humor, we're down to the last audition episode. This is a milestone for "American Idol," because this is the first time they've combined two cities in one show! I recall hearing that the Puerto Rico auditions didn't have a very good turnout and that the singers they found there weren't very good, so they probably figured San Juan wasn't worthy of its own episode. Hopefully "Idol" will do this "two cities in one show" thing more often!

Who did we see tonight?

Adeola Adegoke, Bronx, NY - "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls. This African girl quit her job because she was so confident that she'd make it to Hollywood. Bad choice, sister; you're terrible. Her accent doesn't help matters any. Now she's unemployed, but Simon, in ever the magnanimous gesture, talks to her boss on the phone and gets her job back! See what a nice guy he is? Nothing like that Gordon Ramsay, that's for sure! Yeah, I watched "Hell's Kitchen" after the show today. It was amusing, but I'm not sure I want another show to get into.

Jorge Nunez, Carolina, PR - "My Way." He sounds good in Spanish, and his English "What a Wonderful World" is OK too. He gets a yes. Simon says they came to Puerto Rico to find someone with an accent, and Paula compares him to Marc Anthony. Let's see, they've had a pure pop winner, a male R&B winner, a gospel-flavored female R&B winner, a country winner, a blue-eyed soul winner, a teen R&B/pop winner and a post-grunge rocker winner. I guess they're hoping for a Latin winner next? Aren't there any power-pop rockers who want to try their hand at this show?

Jessika Baier, Jackson, MI - "I Surrender" by Celine Dion. She's been in hundreds of singing contests and won several of them. I'm not a Celine Dion fan, but Jessika's fairly decent. How do the judges react? Like she just repainted their cars without letting them know (I know that isn't funny, but I'm sick of these auditions and I'm drawing a blank on funny things to compare the judges' reactions to right now). Maybe it was a little too loud, but no one ever complains about Kelly Clarkson being too loud. I'm genuinely surprised by how harsh the judges are on her. She's not that bad. I'm guessing there are lots of semi-decent auditioners they have to say no to on this show, but they don't get shown on TV because there's nothing interesting to see. Jessika probably would've been one if it weren't for her groveling after the judges rejected her.

Melinda Camille, Stratford, CT - "Feeling Good" from The Roar of the Greasepaint - The Smell of the Crowd. She's a bald girl with a tattoo on her wrist that wants to uplift humanity while dancing naked because there's a shift in the universe, or something like that. Can you say FROOT LOOP? She's a froot loop who can actually sing, though. Her voice reminds me too much of screechy Syesha Mercado from last year, so that's another strike against her. She gets through. Whoop-dee-doo. And I do. Cherish you. Did I mention I'm sick of recapping auditions and have run out of funny ideas?

Jackie Tohn, Silver Lake, CA - "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. She has sort of a funny personality, and a cool, raspy voice. "I'm Yours" is kind of a goof-off performance, with silly intonations and a dorky dance, but when she gets a chance to show her real voice on a serious song she's pretty good. Finally a contestant I could potentially like. She's different, has a personality and isn't annoying or tatted up. I'm keeping an eye on her.

Joel Contreras, San Juan, PR - "To Be With You" by Mr. Big. He's a street performer nicknamed the "crazy rocker." He'll do anything for a laugh, like running into walls and shouting random songs while playing the guitar. He comes in as a human iPod (or "guypod"), which I'm sure the sponsors love. He's not as funny as he thinks he is, but he did get a big laugh out of me for singing "The Circle of Life" while holding up a lion puppet. He celebrates getting a no by acting as if he'd gotten a yes. I kind of like him, actually.

Nick Mitchell, AKA "Norman Gentle," Brookfield, CT - "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls. Remember when I suggested retiring "Put Your Records On" yesterday? No? That figures. They need to retire "And I Am Telling You..." as well. I'm sick of every diva wannabe (and gasping Mormon boy) trying to show off with this song. Anyway, this guy is a joker who acts out a gay stereotype and directs some jokes at Simon that suggest he's involved with Seacrest. Well, he's certainly got guts. He's somewhat decent (though his pitch is questionable) when he tries to sing seriously with "Amazing Grace," but he can't resist turning it into a joke. The judges are so entertained that they send him to Hollywood even though he probably wasn't expected to get through himself. Man. I've been saying they should send one of the jokers through to Hollywood just for kicks, and then they choose this guy? Why not Joel? He was funnier! Once again, be careful what you wish for, Ian. It'll find a way to backfire on you.

Ashley Hollister from Hasbrouck Heights, NJ, is through. Kenny Hoffpauer from Havertown, PA, is through. Kendall Beard from Austin, TX, is through. Be on the lookout for possible fodder.

Monique Garcia Torres, San Juan, PR - "You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes. Instead of bringing her cute kid she brings her cute little brother. She's only 16, so if she'd brought her own kid it might've gotten a little heavy-handed. The judges love the brother, but they're correct in that Monique's voice isn't great. She sings Christina Aguilera's "I Turn to You" equally as mediocre. The judges decide to give her a shot, citing her youth as an excuse. I think it's really because they like the kid and want him to see his big sister get through. Enough with the kids, already!

Alexis Cohen, Philadelphia, PA - "Like a Prayer" by Madonna. Argh. She wasn't the least bit funny last year, but she was the audition "everybody" was talking about, so they decided to give her another chance. Man, this girl is so annoying I don't even feel like recapping it. It's a no, as we knew it'd be.

Patricia Lewis Roman, Casguas, PR - "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" by Whitney Houston. Her parents got married in the same building as the auditions, so that means it might be good luck. She has an OK voice, but it's kind of shouty. She reminds me of Asia'h Epperson, as she's young, really smiley and sounds average on this song. The judges send her through after she sings in Spanish, which prompts her family to break out their instruments and start a celebratory jam. How exciting for them.

Next week it's Hollywood, where we get to see how these people perform under pressure. Maybe they'll fill us in on all the members of the Top 36 whose auditions weren't shown. What? "American Idol" being fair? You're right. What am I thinking?