Auditions - Phoenix

It's the moment we've all been waiting for: the first audition episode of American Idol 8! Well, I haven't been looking forward to the auditions so much, but they're part of the process of getting to what I really want: the music. I'm not sure why I decided to inflict the pain of recapping the audition shows on myself, but here I go.

The first thing we see is a quote from David Foster. You can almost hear the ominous music. Then we see a montage of past moments on "Idol" set to "What a Wonderful World". They range from the stupid staged bad auditions that we're all sick of to the stars like Kellie Pickler, Clay Aiken, and Elliott Yamin's late mother. Of course, they show Sanjaya and the crying girl too, since they know we love those types of surreal phenomena.

It looks like Kelly Clarkson is no longer spotlighted at the end of the theme song. The three featured faces are now Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks and David Cook. I guess her disputes with the record company caused some resentment.

They show the announcement of the winner from last year. It was so dramatic, wasn't it? They cut to a video of some preteen David Archuleta fans freaking out when Cook is announced as the 7th Idol. That's sort of funny, actually. Those girls won't even care about Archie in two years. They talk to David Cook, and he's so happy to be a star now, blah blah blah. Quit drawing this whole thing out with an interminable intro!

Ryan stands by the Grand Canyon to show everyone they're in Phoenix. Finally they show us the huge group of suckers who want to stand in line for this show. Hey, is that Garrett Haley playing guitar? Is he trying out again? Is he even eligible? He sure got screwed last year, didn't he? Jordin Sparks is there to talk to the crowd at auditions. She'll always have work as long as "Idol" is somewhere in the vicinity of Arizona.

They introduce new judge Kara DioGuardi. She's a songwriter who's written for a lot of today's pop artists, including several Idols, and we already know all this because we've read about her on the internet. She's definitely raising the attractiveness quotient at the judge's table.

First up is Tuan Nguyen, from Spring Valley, CA. He's a Vietnamese guy with a 'fro and Michael Jackson moves. I think this is going to be a joke. Of course, I say that and he'll probably be good. He says he wants to be as big as Michael Jackson and Britney Spears combined. Good luck, buddy. He sings "The Way You Make Me Feel". He's not terrible, but not great either. The judges get into the performance, but ultimately say no. No big loss.

Next is Emily Wynne-Hughes from Los Angeles. Let's pause for a little math lesson here. Pink hair plus piercings plus tattoos equals ugly! We saw this girl on the commercials, so we know she gets through. She tells us she's in an all-girl rock n' roll band and sings "Barracuda." She's pretty talented, but if she could sing this song without coming off like an Ann Wilson copycat I'd be a lot more impressed. Ann Wilson is great (I saw Heart in concert last summer with Cheap Trick and Journey, and she still sounds incredible), but there's only room for one of her (and no, that's not a snarky comment about her weight). Paula says she thinks Emily is Top 5. Of course, Simon said that about Sundance Head. We find out her bandmates don't know about her trying out for the show, but she says she wants to go the Daughtry route. I guess that means she'd hire them as her backup band? When the judges give her the verdict (they say yes, of course) we hear "Alone" in the background. Ugh, haven't we heard that song enough on "Idol"? This girl is too much like Carpetbagger Carly Smithson for my liking.

Next is emotional rocker Randy Madden from Moorpark, CA. He apparently thinks it's still the 80's judging by his clothes. He says he just wants someone to tell him he's great, then starts tearing up. He sings "Livin' on a Prayer," and it's not very good. Simon says it sounded wimpy. I think he has some trace of an OK voice, but he's too shouty. Paula tries to be encouraging to him, but Simon is much less sympathetic. The judges say no and Paula gives Simon the finger. People need to stop putting so much stock in "Idol." I'm sure it's affirming to have them tell you you're good, but you can't let their opinions be the most important thing.

Oh boy, J.B. Ahfua from Taylorsville, UT. He has a good voice, but sounds like a David Archuleta/Clay Aiken/Anthony Fedorov type. Boring. The judges say yes. He tears up in the lobby and talks about wanting to help his family. I hope he can help his family, but I also hope we don't have to be beaten over the head with sob stories this year. Oh, who am I kidding? That's how this show works.

Now we come to Michael Gurr from Mesa, AZ. He's nervous. Really nervous. He's terrified of the judges. They show shots of the judges in a green tint just to play off the idea of them as scary monsters. Boffo. You know he'll be bad. He mumbles "Starts With Goodbye" by Carrie Underwood. What a shock! He's terrible! This guy is an early favorite to return at the finale. Simon says he could've been singing in Bulgarian. Poor kid. He also sucks up to Kara by singing a Carrie Underwood song she wrote, "Sometimes You Leave." Michael even seems to acknowledge that he's terrible by the time it's over. If he's this nervous at the auditions, I can't imagine how bad he'd be onstage.

They show us a montage of bad auditions, which I don't care enough about to recap.

Up next is Aundre "X-Ray" Caraway, a crazy, energetic guy from Phoenix. He tends to overpronounce his words, similar to Gedeon McKinney. He sings "Cactus Baby", an original song that he accompanies with a weird dance. He's a fun guy, but you know they won't say yes to him. They don't.

On we go to Arianna Afsar, from San Diego. She started singing when she did karaoke at age 6. Karaoke? She's perfect for this show! She started a group called Adopt-a-Grandfriend, where they visit elderly people to cheer them up. How nice. She's cute, but has too much apparent business sense not to be a plant. She sings "Put Your Records On." Her voice isn't outstanding, but it's probably just good enough for the judges to say yes. They put her through, but it seems to be based as much on personality as voice. I doubt she'll get far if she makes the Top 36.

Next is Phoenix's extremely deep-voiced Elijah Scarlett, and yes, that is his real voice. Man, how cool would it be to have a voice that deep? He sings "You're the First, the Last, My Everything" by Barry White, but he's not a good singer. The judges recommend voiceover work for him. Hey, he could be the next Thurl Ravenscroft!

Let's see...a pink shirt, a pink cowboy hat, a short, pleated jean skirt. Where do you think this girl is from? Did you guess Connecticut? Well, that's what she says, but it says Los Angeles on the screen when she starts singing. Her name is Lea Marie Golde, she's 16, and she says she's a cross between Hilary Duff and Madonna. She's also Kara's biggest fan! She has a book full of the over 100 songs she's written. She sings "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada. She has good pitch, but her voice is too nasal. Kara says she's not sure if her voice is fully developed. It's a no. She says "See you next year judges!" as she leaves, so perhaps we haven't seen the last of her. I feel like a dirty old twenty-something for saying this, but she's another cute girl. I thought she was kind of annoying when her segment began, but she grew more likable as it went on. I say good on her for not giving up.

Stevie Wright from Phelan, CA is next, and she says she was named after Stevie Nicks. Her game plan is to be bubbly, which suggests that she's faking her personality. She's super smiley, almost annoyingly so, but her rendition of "At Last" is amazingly good. Simon says she needs to be mean and push people out of the way. Simon just doesn't like niceness, does he? Randy says you're either born with it or you're not (right, it's not like people develop the ability to sing by practicing or anything), and says that Stevie has definitely got it. The judges say yes, and I have to agree with them on that decision.

They keep promoting "Bikini Girl" before the commercial breaks. You know they'll save it for last like they did with Renaldo Lapuz, though. Of course, we've seen her on the commercials already.

Next is Michael Sarver, from Jasper, TX. He's a roughneck, one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. They do a mini-sob story about him wanting to help his family. Yippee. He sings "Thank You" by Boyz II Men, and it's actually pretty good. The judges say yes, and can't seem to get over the fact that a guy who looks like he does has such a good voice. I could see him being sort of a Josh Gracin figure this year.

Goody! More bad auditioners I don't care about!

Whoa, we're getting Bikini Girl early. Her name is Katrina Darrell, from Chino Hill, CA. She auditioned in a bikini in order to stand out, and it certainly worked. She tells Ryan she'll make out with him when she gets through. She walks in front of the judges, Simon's eyes pop out of his head, and she even turns around so the guys can get a look at her butt. She turns out to be a semi-decent singer. My brother (who I'm watching this show with now that I took that major step in every nerd's life and moved out of my mother's house) says he's seen her on MTV. He thinks it was "My Super Sweet 16." Whoa! Plant alert! Kara says it wasn't sung right, then sings it herself. Hey, Kara's got a voice! Katrina demonstrates again, and the runs sound horrible. Kara doesn't think Katrina should get through, but Katrina talks back and says that Kara can't sing any better. Yeah, I could see someone with an attitude like that on "My Super Sweet 16." Since Randy and Simon are horndogs, they say yes, while the two women say no. Paula reluctantly says "Welcome to Hollywood," and Katrina jumps up and down in excitement. Randy tells her again just so he can watch her bounce a second time. She even makes good on her promise to make out with Ryan. Her parents must be so proud.

Next is Eric Thomas, from Phoenix. He's got a few tattoos, including his nickname, "Sexual Chocolate," on his back. Why do I get the impression that this guy is totally full of himself? He sings Stevie Wonder's "Ribbon in the Sky," and it's not very good. Too nasal and breathy. "Thank you, Sexual," says Simon. We find out his mother is getting him a car if he doesn't make it. How spoiled can you get? Since it means he won't be on "Idol" this year, he can have his car.

Leading cheers in the lobby is Brianna Quijada from Tempe, AZ. She's so excited to be there, and can't believe she's in front of the judges. She sings "Let's Hear it For the Boy." Her voice is very mediocre, but I have a feeling she'll make it. The judges like her personality, but they're iffy about the voice. She also sings "Killing Me Softly," and it's actually a lot better than the first song. Despite not being an incredible singer, the judges think she's fun. Randy and Kara say no, but Paula says yes. It's down to Simon and (drumroll)...he says yes. She's so excited. The best part is where she hugs the judges and freaks out over Paula Abdul. I like her. She seems so...real.

Deanna Brown from Louisville, KY doesn't have any family there, but she's happy to borrow other people to be her family members. Hey, didn't they have tryouts in Louisville this year? Why is she in Phoenix? She sings "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay." Her voice is powerful, but her thick southern accent makes it sound weird to me. Once again, she's kind of cute. The judges ask her if she's tried to get into the music business before. She says yes, she was in Los Angeles trying to start her career. So that explains why she wasn't in Kentucky. She says she's trying out here because she never had the right opportunity before. It's odd that they would include this exchange. Are they building up sympathy for her now because they know her past record deals will inevitably be discovered? I have no idea if she's a plant, but that little bit makes me wonder.

Cody Sheldon from Detroit is next. He makes gory horror films and resembles a girl I knew in college. Yes, she was kind of cute too. Something makes me think he'll be a favorite of the tween girls if he gets far. I'm not sure what they'd see in a guy who looks feminine and has Paula Abdul's hair, but for some reason it seems like they would. Then again, I was never popular with the girls when I was a teenager. Come to think of it, I'm still not. He sings "Wonderful World" by James Morrison, and he's got a good voice. He's through to Hollywood.

They keep promoting the same people before the commercial breaks, so we kind of know who's going to get through. Takes the suspense out of it, doesn't it?

Simon's little game this year is to ask auditioners which three countries they'll be popular in. Of course, there are several morons who can't give a coherent answer. Alex Wagner-Trugman from Studio City, CA tries to give him a creative answer by naming some obscure countries. He's kind of a nerd, so I could possibly vote for him. He tells us he once got sick from practicing his singing in a closet with mold in it. This leads to a weird exchange with Simon and the other judges about the whole "coming out of the closet" thing. He sings "Baby Come to Me" by James Ingram, and wants Randy to sing along on the chorus. His voice is decent, but it's slightly soft and breathy. He reminds me of David Hernandez, because he's got weird eyes and a similar vocal tone. He gets through, since Randy loves him so much and has the girls on his side. It's not clear if they're trying to spite the unenthusiastic Simon or if they really like him, but whatever. Go geeks!

"Wanted Dead or Alive" is this year's medley song. We know these aren't sung in front of judges, so stop putting them in front of that backdrop, interspersing clips of the judges and pretending they are. We're not stupid, producers.

For our last audition we'll see the inspiring story of a blind guy named Scott MacIntyre. I know this before they get back from the break, because they keep telling me. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he gets through to Hollywood.

Scott time. He's from Scottsdale, AZ, he's blind, and he says his disability led him to explore the world of sound. He has a guide lead him into the audition room. He tells the judges he graduated from Arizona State at age 19. Impressive. He sings Billy Joel's "And So it Goes." He has a pretty good voice, but it doesn't blow me away. He gets four yeses for being so darn inspirational. Good for him. I just hope this doesn't become a sympathy thing though. I'd imagine Scott doesn't want it that way, but we'll see.

Well, that's it for Phoenix. I think I'm already regretting doing recaps for the audition shows. Oh well. I'll thank myself someday. Maybe.