Auditions - Salt Lake City

Here we are in ol' Salt Lake, where most people are white, Mormon, really, really nice and prone to gasp and wheeze a lot. At least, that's what they want you to think. Let's see what types of people it really gives us:

David Osmond, Provo, UT - "Something Within Me" by Take 6. He's the son of Alan Osmond, the oldest of the Osmond siblings. He also has Multiple Sclerosis. He was once in a wheelchair, but now, like John Locke, he's walking again, since the MS isn't currently flaring up (why did my stinking brother have to get me into "Lost?"). He has a pretty good voice, but like his younger state-mate Archuleta, he loves him some runs. Simon says he's not contemporary, but he gets a yes anyway. He seems like a nice, clean-cut guy, so no stereotypes have been busted yet.

Tara Matthews, Salt Lake City, UT - "One Day I'll Fly Away" from Moulin Rouge. Weird, gothy girl who claims to have ESP. Can't sing, of course. Flips off the camera on the way out. Sterotypes officially busted!

Chris Kirkham, Ogden, UT - "Roll to Me" by Del Amitri. Has a friend in a pink bunny suit and carries around a picture of Simon's head on a stick. The friend in the bunny suit distracts the judges. He tries "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," but they reject him without really getting to hear him sing. There must've been something edited out. He didn't sound terrible from what we heard.

Frankie Jordan, Hollywood, CA - "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse. Another parent bringing out the cute li'l kids. She can sing, but the only reaction it inspires in me is a resounding "booooooring!" They want her to be the next Amy Winehouse, but since we already have one too many of those, perhaps she should pursue another path in life. That kid of hers isn't going to be too happy with a drugged-out train wreck mommy. Ryan gets an opportunity to use the line "Frankie goes to Hollywood" out of the judges' saying yes, but since she's already from there, well...at least it's consistent with the show's current theme: "Send them back to Hollywood!" I'm not enthused by this woman.

Megan Corkrey, Sandy, UT - "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" from Show Boat. Has an ugly arm tattoo (ugly tattoo, redundant, I know) just like Carpetbagger Carly and a kid just like everyone else on the show this year. She's divorced now. Poor kid has to grow up looking at his mother's skin graffiti. More busted stereotypes! Megan has a weird voice and employs odd phrasing. She sort of squawks the words. The judges love her because of how different she is, and there's also an apparent "ugly arm girl" quota they have to meet. I know I've been saying I want somebody different, but why...this? Be careful what you wish for, Ian. It'll find a way to backfire on you.

Andrew Gibson, Kearns, UT - "Oh Let Me Fly" by Harry Belafonte. Deep voice, somewhat funny, but not good enough. He apparently didn't take the whole thing too seriously though, which is lucky for him, since it's a no.

Austin Sisneros, Riverton, UT - "When I Look to the Sky" by Train. He's the senior class president, sees himself as a role model and wants to inspire people to follow their dreams. How wonderfully quixotic. His audition is slightly shouty, but he has an OK voice. The judges aren't sure, so he tackles Raffi's "It Takes a Village." He sounds much better on the second song, and he gets the yes he was looking for. Hilary Clinton would be proud. The judges love how likable and genuine he is, just like half the population of this region seems to be.

Jarrett Burns, Orem, UT - "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae. Is it time to ban this song yet? People seem to love auditioning with it. He has an OK voice and seems to add a unique touch to the song. We're to assume he gets through, though they don't show it. Now he has two claims to fame: he made it to Hollywood and he's the only black guy in Utah! He might have some Chikezie potential, but I'm not betting the farm on it. Chikezie was most likely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for America and they blew it.

Taylor Vaifanua, Hurricane, UT - "Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee." She's a tall 16-year-old, so guess who she gets compared to? Jordin Sparks, of course! Taylor has a deep voice and seems mature for her age, though she does have some of the same gleeful girlishness that Jordin had. She can't win this thing. There's only room for one winner named Taylor! Oh, her singing? It's OK, but I'm not overly impressed. Jordin was way better, and she's one of the less interesting winners.

Rose Flack, Rathdrum, ID - "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King. She gets The Final Audition, AKA The Pimp Spot Audition, AKA The Sob Story Audition, AKA The Quit Crying and Let's Focus on the Singing Audition. She's a weird tie-dyed barefoot hippie type. Her parents both died within the last four years, and now she lives with her best friend's family. Well, that stinks, but come on. I'm sure lots of contestants on this show have lost parents at a young age but don't feel the need to mention it. Sorry if it sounds insensitive, but it seems like they're stretching for a sob story. Her singing really isn't very good. Did they give us a surprise ending? Could they reject the sob story contestant? Nope, the judges love her as a person, think she's cool and send her through. Well, good for her. I don't see her surviving Hollywood though. If by some chance she does, she'll probably be out of her league for as long as she lasts in the voting stage.

Tomorrow we finally get the end of all this audition crap as New York and San Juan are squeezed into one hour! Happy happy joy joy!