Auditions - Louisville

And we're off! To Louisville! Where they have horse racing, don't you know! I was thinking of going there to try out last summer, since it was the closest to where I was living, but I didn't feel like it was worth the trip. Maybe this summer they'll come closer to where I'm living now and I'll have the guts to try out. I should probably start getting my voice in shape soon if I'm serious about that. But am I? Eh, whatever.

They give us a bunch of filler to start the episode, as usual. We don't care about the judges arriving at the venue. We barely care about the auditions. Just get on with it, already!

First is Tiffany Shedd from Cincinnati. She wears a scary-looking amount of makeup, her hair color is a fake-looking blond and her accent is weird. Oh, and her parents are so supportive of her! She tells us that even if she gets rejected she'll walk out with a positive attitude. Gee, are they showing us that clip because they're setting us up for a meltdown of some sort? She sings Mariah Carey's "Hero" and sounds awful. She gets a no, which means she has to go to college. Don't go to college! It's a ripoff! Hey, remember what she said about having a positive attitude? No? We're going to play a clip of it again because you don't remember anything that happened more than a minute ago! She's going to have a positive attitude even if the judges say no! And now she's crying and ranting about how good she is. Ha ha ha ha ha! What irony!

Next is Joanna Pacitti from Philadelphia, who Vote For the Worst exposed as a plant like, fifty years ago. She walks in and Kara recognizes her from A&M Records. She was signed! Kara even knows her name before she tells them! Everywhere you go on this show there's a plant! My hopes of being the ninth American Idol are getting dimmer by the minute. At least they're being honest about it at her audition, but that doesn't mean America needs to give her a fiftieth chance at stardom. Really, America, it doesn't. She sings Pat Benatar's "We Belong" and the judges all say yes (duh), which makes her tear up. They're sure to include a clip of Kara saying "Those were real tears." Yeah, because we need to offset any backlash from her plantiness. Don't even think for a moment she's another fake, obnoxious Carly Smithson!

Mark Mudd from Cox's Creek, KY, looks like a fat, redneck Chris Richardson (I just know someone's going to think that's redundant). His great-great-great-great-grandfather was Samuel Mudd, who fixed John Wilkes Booth's broken leg after he shot Lincoln, and that's where the phrase "your name is mud" comes from. That's actually interesting if it's true, which it isn't. He sings George Jones' "White Lightning" with poor pronunciation and non-existent pitch, but the little sound effects that go with the song are funny. He seems like he'd be an entertaining performer, but his singing ability isn't good enough for this show. He gets a no from the judges, and casually tells them to "be careful" as he's leaving. The judges think it's a threat, but I'm not so sure it isn't some sort of colloquialism they're unfamiliar with. Whatever. You know they just want to embarrass him.

Brent Keith Smith from Blanchester, OH, does a good version of Bad Company's "Can't Get Enough." It's solid but boring, I think. Simon tells him it's "buskerish." Somehow this turns into the one millionth scene of the judges arguing (in this season alone!) while poor Brent has to wait forever for his yes. I'm sick of watching Kara and Paula get flustered by Simon. I see no entertainment value in it.

Louisville Slugger makes a bat with "American Idol Season 8" stamped on it. Baseball rocks!

We get a montage of bad contestants, among which only the fat Michael Jackson impersonator and the sheep vibrato girl are interesting.

Next is a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo named Matt Giraud. He sings Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Want to Be" in a voice that's boring, run-of-the-mill and not even all that powerful. He's not horrible, just uninteresting. With that as my initial reaction, what do the judges think? Paula says he's unique. Huh?? Kara likes him. Well, OK. I like '80s hair metal. Simon says he reminds him of Elliott Yamin. OK, maybe there's a slight similarity in their voices, but I don't think this guy has the same soul that Elliott did. He gets a yes, though I would've said no.

Ross Plavsic from Crestview Hills, KY is a frog-voiced nerd who challenges himself with stuff like foreign languages. He's apparently an opera fan, since he says he learned how his favorite opera singers use their voices to teach himself to sing. I like this guy. We nerds need some representation on this show! He sings "Cara Mia" by Jay and the Americans. He's actually not obscenely bad, but his voice and style aren't right for this show. He takes a drink from Paula's cup (America's been wondering what's in there for years), but it doesn't make his voice sound any better. He knows he sounds bad, and is totally understanding when he gets rejected. He gets a sudden impulse to sing James Ingram's "Just Once" in the hallway before walking off into obscurity. My brother and I both think he's a cool guy. Too bad you have to be a better singer to get on this show. I guess there's more pressure on me to represent the nerds next year.

It's time for a major backstory pimp in Memphis' Alexis Grace. She's a stay-at-home mom who's not yet married to her child's father (how scandalous!), but she plans to marry him once he gets out of the military. Blah blah blah, let's get the yes over with. She tells us she's going to sing "Dr. Feelgood" by Aretha Franklin. Ha. For a second there I thought she was going to say Motley Crue. She has a big voice, and though Simon is somewhat reluctant, he makes the yes unanimous. Great. Like I said in yesterday's recap, I'm sick of everyone bringing out their kids. I feel like the theme of this season is going to be "Battle of the Mommies and Daddies." Some of us can't even find a girlfriend, much less have kids.

You know, the judges are getting reeeeeeally bored, and they need something to liven them up. Louisville's Aaron Williamson to the rescue! He's a loud, high-energy guy, and he wants to be "America's Next Top Idol!" He takes on CCR's "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" He shouts more than sings it, but it's strangely soulful. Randy, Kara and Paula get into it, but Simon isn't amused. Aaron's so loud it even brings Ryan upstairs to see what the commotion is all about. This guy can't really sing, but he's pretty doggone entertaining. Why don't they put someone like Aaron through? I'm tired of seeing the same old contestants over and over. The only people we see any personality from in these auditions are the rejects.

Nashville's Rebecca Garcia was on the news that morning when a local reporter went through the line, and Paula even recognizes her. She has a cheat sheet on her arm in case she forgets the lyrics to her song: Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats." She's cheating on a song about being cheated on! Will these hilarious coinkidinks never stop??? She seems like a nice girl, but her singing is more like tuneful talking. Kara points out that Rebecca was voted "Most Humorous" in high school and realizes that this is all supposed to be a joke! Nice going, Rebecca! You amused them! Oh wait...you're serious aren't you? Awwwww. Poor Rebecca just got insulted by Kara. Smack Kara upside the head, Paula! Simon tells her she shouldn't attempt a career in music and she leaves sad. It's a shame she wasn't good. I kind of liked her.

Quick montage of good! Kris Allen from Conway, AR, is through. Felicia Barton from Virginia Beach, VA, is through. Ryan Johnson from Cincinnati is through, but he sounds like Michael Johns, so I hate him. Shera Lawrence from Bowling Green, KY, fakes out her family by acting sad and then holding up her gold ticket when she walks out. I guess these people are more fodder.

Leneshe Young from Cincinnati has a sob story about her hard life growing up. Join the club. She's today's audition pimp spot. A pastor prophesied that she'd make her family wealthy, so we just know she'll get through. She has an original song called "Nattie" which contains the line "I like your thuggish ways." She has a good voice, of course, and the judges can't stop raving about her. Her style definitely seems current, and I could see her going far in this competition. I'd probably never buy her album, but she seems like someone people would like. Of all the auditions we've seen this year, she's one of the few who immediately strikes me as a contender.

If there's anything interesting after this I didn't see it, because my annoying brother just couldn't miss a second of "Lost." We had to stop the tape and flip the channel before "Idol" ended. I doubt I missed anything, but it's still annoying.

Six hours of auditions and I still don't have a dog in this year's fight. I'm sure I'll find someone to latch onto as the season progresses. At least I'd better or...why would I want to watch except to make fun of it?

Until next week, I'm out.