Auditions - San Francisco

So here we are in San Francisco, this time with only one hour of auditions to sit through instead of two. Thank goodness! They've found great people here like Katharine McPhee and William Hung, so we're sure to find someone great this time, right? Hey, it says "Season 2" on the screen for William Hung's audition. I thought he was Season 3? Oh well, I'm not in charge of this stuff.

A couple actually gets engaged and married while waiting in line, so at least something good came of these auditions. There's probably a good joke there about how long the wait to try out is, but I'm too lazy to think of it.

First up is Tatiana Del Toro from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Didn't they hold auditions there this year? Are they combining that episode with this one and hoping we won't notice? She's a singer, actress and model, and a psychic told her she was going to make the Top 12. I guess we can pencil her into one of those slots right now! They show a montage of her laughing, then show her giving a Miss America-like speech about why she wants to be the next American Idol. It seems like they're setting her up to be bad. Simon asks why she didn't wait until they came to Puerto Rico, so I guess they aren't combining two audition cities. She sings Aretha Franklin's "I Never Loved a Man" and turns out to be pretty good. Well, she's pretty, period, but she's also a decent singer. Simon thinks she's a copycat, but Paula and Randy say yes, and Kara says no to the voice but yes to the vibe. So she's through, and she's extremely excited, because this means soooo much to her. Despite the mocking, I think her nervous laughing is kind of cute (please, someone give me a new word to use!), and unless she turned out to be a snob, I could see myself throwing her a few votes. Musically she's not my thing, but she seems likable.

We see a few brief bad auditions in the form of Antelope, CA's Nick Reed, who treats us to some bad beatboxing and Jiayi Yu from San Mateo, CA, who chooses "We Built This City" as her song. You either love that song or you hate it, and though I love it, I'm going to concede that it's a bad song choice. Of course, the titular city is supposed to be San Francisco, so it makes a little bit of sense. The poor singing really kills Jiayi's chances, though. Why am I wasting so much time on a bad audition?

Dean Anthony Bradford from Pasadena, CA resembles a wart hog, and his weird coat seems to be more important to him than his voice. He sings "Stars" by Simply Red, but it's totally overdone and he makes weird faces while singing. He sounds like he could actually be good if he didn't act so goofy. It's an obvious no. Simon thinks his hair color is fake, and he actually gets away with saying "the carpet matches the drapes" on a family show. Not an image any of us want. Go away weirdo.

Jesus Valenzuela from North Highlands, CA is a family man, which means this audition is just a formality. He sings Usher's "Nice & Slow," and Simon thinks it just doesn't work. He has a decent voice, but not a great one. Kara and Paula like him, and ask him to bring in his kids to help him plead his case. Oh, he's got this in the bag. Paula, Kara and Randy can't possibly say no to his "Unchained Melody" while these cute kids are in the room, so Jesus is going to Hollywood. Woo-hoo. Is anyone else sick of seeing all these children at the auditions?

Dalton Powell from Manteca, CA has mad Rubik's Cube skillz, but his soft, falsetto-ey, cracking voice on Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" is terrible. He's a fan of Simon, but he's never sung in front of anyone before, so he's a no. He sounds like he could be good with more experience, but he's not ready for this show.

James Smith from Sacramento has a terrible voice, but he puts his passion into singing for Paula. Randy encourages him to let loose by saying "she wants a baby" (cue record scratching sound effect and silence). Awkward.

Filler alert! They show us some "Summer of Love" clips from Haight-Ashbury, then move on to clips of Simon and Kara fighting.

Akilah Askew-Gholston from Oakland has a bunch of stuff printed out about vocal technique and the biology of singing, but does that mean she'll make it? She has trouble with pronunciation and proper word choices, and corrects people who tell her the right way to say it. She thinks she's so smart. Her audition song is an original, entitled "Make Sweet Love," and she sounds like a robot singing it. There's this thing called phrasing, Akilah. She tries "A Natural Woman," but it's no better. She hits a bad note and asks if she can try it again because she "came from the wrong rectum." Oh, she thinks she's such an expert. She then tries to suck up by saying how strong the judges' credentials are (did you know Paula had a "very hit song" in the early '80s?), but it doesn't help. Paula eventually walks out and Kara has to hug her and send her away because she won't shut up. After she's out of the room she talks about how they made her feel like a bad auditioner (Because she was one! Hahahahahahahaha!), and says she shouldn't have let them "arachnitate" her. This goes on too long, and it's a relief when the segment finally ends.

They show a montage of good auditioners. Hey, there's a novel idea! John Twiford from Sherman Oaks, CA gets through on "Overjoyed," Allison Iraheta from Los Angeles gets through on "A Natural Woman" and Raquel Houghton from Los Angeles gets through on "Son of a Preacher Man," all songs that have been sung a million times on "Idol." They sound good based on their clips, but they're probably fodder.

Annie Murdoch from Novato, CA loves to scat like Ella, but she sings "Summertime" awfully. Simon says she sounds like she's drunk. Fortunately, she takes her rejection with good humor and the segment doesn't go on forever.

Adam Lambert from Hollywood, CA is a musical theater type, so he probably fits right in in old San Fran. His song is "Bohemian Rhapsody," which he pulls off well. It's a theatrical song, which is perfect for his style, and he has sort of a rock edge to his voice too. The judges all say yes, and he personally thanks each judge with the kissing or shaking of hands. Good singer, but something about him bothers me. I think I've heard he's somewhat planty, so maybe that's what it is.

Up next: the heartwarming story of a guy and his mom! Typical blatant pimping. We know this dude's going to Hollywood.

He's the last of the day, so he gets the audition pimp spot. His name is Kai Kalama from San Clemente, CA, and he takes care of his mom, who has a seizure disorder. They show a video of him leaving home and his family wishing him good luck. That means one of three things:

A) The producers anticipated his coming, which makes him a plant.
B) This is him leaving for Hollywood, which means we already know he gets through.
C) They staged this little scene, which is fake and stupid.

Anyway, we all know what's next: He sings "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes," sounds great and gets a yes from all the judges. Good luck dude, unless you're a plant.

So that's it until tomorrow. You know, if you take out the teasers and commercials, there's less than 40 minutes of actual show. Just imagine how much there'd be if they cut out the dumb bad auditions and useless filler.

I'm aware that this post hasn't been very entertaining, and I apologize if it wasn't worth reading. The problem is that not many of these auditioners have piqued my interest. The field doesn't look very promising at the moment. I know, I know, we won't know how good they really are until we see them perform on stage, but you'd think someone would've stood out by now. Maybe tomorrow we'll finally discover that person.

See you tomorrow in Louisville!