Auditions - Kansas City

OK, according to MJ's Big Blog these two-hour audition shows are a special thing for this week, and subsequent ones will be only one hour. I certainly hope that's correct, because recapping them is quite the chore. That schedule also tells us that the result shows are still a full hour, which is a total gyp, since they were saying before that they'd be only 30 minutes this year. Maybe it'll change when we reach the Top 12. I just hope the cheesy group numbers don't get cut. Those are ever so much fun!

In other news, the preliminary ratings for last night's show are down 10% from last year. Do you think this means the producers will realize that the people who watch "American Idol" are us diehards? Do you think they'll actually give us fans the changes we want? Do you think they'll cut back on bad auditions, stop letting plants in and stop blatantly manipulating the results? Hey, quit laughing, I like to dream!

We're off to Kansas City (hey hey hey hey!) to see if anyone there has what it takes to be the next Idol. Considering how bad the Chiefs and Royals are, those people in western Missouri need something to get excited about. We see a bunch of David Cook clips and then the obligatory crowd shots. Paula is surprised by Jason Castro when she gets out of the limo. He's there to support his little brother, who's trying out this year. Just what we need: another annoying Castro.

Our first auditioner is Chelsea Marquardt from Parsons, KS. She says that people are always surprised to hear a powerful voice from someone like her. Well, someone sure is confident. She gives Badfinger's "Without You" a try, and she instantly adds herself to the "pretty, but can't sing" file. They always have to start with a bad one, don't they? Simon makes a crack about it sounding like a cat jumping off the Empire State Building. Randy even joins in on the joke. Is it just me, or is Randy alternately really mean and really nice? They focus on her rejection for far too long. We don't need to see all the disappointment and stuff. Just move on.

Next is Ashley Anderson from Clarksburg, NJ. She sucks up to Simon by singing a song he co-wrote for Leona Lewis, "Footsteps in the Sand." She bungles a few lyrics in the beginning, but Simon is right there to correct her. She's just OK when she starts out low, but her upper register is pretty powerful. She gets four yeses. Ryan asks if picking a song Simon co-wrote was part of her strategy, and she admits that it was a factor. How savvy. She's good but boring. I don't see her getting very far based on this audition.

The pre-break promos go on waaaaay too long. Of course, what else are they going to do with that time? Show us some people who actually get through? Ha! The Top 36 needs cannon fodder contestants that no one's ever seen before! So there!

Casey Carlson from Minneapolis, MN is next. The occupation listed on her info bar is "bubble tea maker." I have no idea what that is, but it sounds girly. She sings Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles," and when you pick a boring song you get a boring performance. As I've been saying a lot throughout these auditions, at least she's cute. There are too many cute girls on this show! Despite that weird nasal part in upper register, she's a decent singer, just nothing that special. The judges say yes. Hooray.

Brian Hettler from Kansas City is an opera-trained singer. He got discouraged with music two years ago, but now he wants to return. Will he be triumphant? What's his song choice? Aretha Franklin's "Think"! Hoo boy. He does this weird semi-operatic deep-voiced version. He reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it. Simon tells him how bad it is, and asks him if people compare him to Josh Groban (apparently that's what the sheet says). Paula adds Michael McDonald. Maybe that's who he reminds me of. A slightly effeminate Michael McDonald. Brian tries "You Raise Me Up," which is just as bad. It was obvious he was going to be bad from the beginning. At least he manages to keep a shred of dignity by not breaking down on camera.

We see a montage of crying contestants, some of which look fake. We finally see that girl whose crying looks like some sort of cathartic puking. Good, now we can stop being teased with that clip of it. It's not that funny, producers. Really. I'm not sure how many people actually enjoy the part where people's dreams are crushed. Then again, getting on "American Idol" shouldn't be so important that you break down when you don't get on. It's good to have dreams, but for a longshot like "Idol" you can't let your life revolve around it.

Ryan's talking outside when...oh look! David Cook's parents just happen to be crossing the street! There's some chit-chat about how excited they are about David's new career. That's nice. Ryan mentions how Cook's talent was making songs his own while a clip of his "Billie Jean" performance rolls. I guess doing Chris Cornell's version is "making it your own" now. There was another contestant last year who did a much better job of making songs his own. Oh, what was his name...Chikezie? Yeah, he was good, but who cares about him, right?

Another montage of bad contestants. I really don't care about these people. Get them off my screen.

Von Smith of Greenwood, MO is next. Hey, wait a minute! That's the famous "And I Am Telling You..." guy from YouTube! His video became so popular that he even got invited to appear on "The View"! Plant! Plant! Plant! I only know this because I'm a nerd who wastes time on sites like YouTube and I saw the clips. Just wanna clear that up for anyone who thinks I watch "The View." I remember reading somewhere that all the publicity he'd gotten helped him land a record deal. If that's true, he's going on my "boycott" list. Interestingly enough, after his performance on "The View," Rosie O'Donnell told him that he was better than anyone on "American Idol." Funny how he needs to lower himself to the level of this show.

Oh, you want to know about his audition? Well, he opens his mouth really wide, which is sort of creepy, and he totally oversings "Over the Rainbow." Actually, I take that back. What he's doing isn't singing, it's glorified yelling. If I may be permitted to go on a mini-rant here, I hate the fact that so many people think that singing is all about hitting high notes and sustaining them. Singing is about expressing feelings and telling stories through a song, not about vocal gymnastics. Von here just belts out high notes and holds them for as long as he can. That's not singing, it's taking a good song, putting it on the rack and flogging it a few times for good measure. If Vonnie Boy gives this treatment to every song he sings, er...vocally interprets, he'll quickly become a running joke. Brianna Quijada from last night didn't have Von's vocal chops, but she actually sang, doggone it, and I liked her much better. My brother thinks Von is annoying. I can't disagree. They pause for a break before we find out his fate. Oooh, such drama. When they get back we see that it's a unanimous yes. Gee, didn't see that coming.

We finally get to see Jason Castro's brother Michael. He's a dork with red dyed hair, and he has the same awkward, airheaded style as Jason. Oh, and guess what? He's also bad at interviews! Bwahahahaha! Michael makes some offhanded comment about Jason being "girly" which they sit and debate. Who cares? I liked Jason for a while last year, but now I think he's an overrated loser, especially since Vote For the Worst exposed him as a mooch with greedy stage parents. So how is Michael's singing? Actually, much better than Jason's (not that that's so hard). He claims he just started singing 20 days before the audition. Um...yeah, right. The judges love how laid-back he is, and he gets through. Well, I'll give him credit for a good audition, but that doesn't mean I have to like Castro Numero Dos. Hey! That can be his nickname from now on! Like any good "Idol" recapper, it's my responsibility to give everyone a dumb nickname that may or may not make sense to anyone but me.

We see a brief clip of Vaughn English from Prairie Village, KS. I guess he must be the Prairie Village idiot. He sings some song about a banana while doing a dance, and all it does is confuse Simon. They ought to put one of these jokers through just for kicks sometime. No, Bikini Girl doesn't count. Speaking of which, Bikini Girl has been everywhere since last night's show. I'm already sick of her. Her next stop is probably either Playboy or "Beauty and the Geek."

Matt Breitzke from Bixby, OK is next. He's married with a kid, so you know he'll get through. He decides to sing "Ain't No Sunshine," and it's pretty good. What's with these burly white soul singers? Scott Savol was no anomaly, apparently. Randy says no, Kara says yes, Paula says yes and Simon...says yes. This drama with Simon having the deciding vote is already getting old. Matt's a likable guy, so I'm glad he gets through.

Jasmine Joseph from Norfolk, NE wants to represent the jazz genre. She has two-tone hair and we apparently already saw her get rejected in earlier montage. She's terrible and gets a no (of course). Now I know what those weird girls from high school did in their spare time.

Jessica Furney from Wamego, KS lives with her elderly grandma, and there's a lot of "Wizard of Oz" stuff in her town. We get to see her house and her grandma and stuff, and I doubt we'd see that if she wasn't getting through. She sings "Cry Baby" by Janis Joplin. I'm a sucker for a girl with glasses, but her voice and style don't appeal to me. She is pretty good though. She's a yes. Whatever.

Who doesn't love people who audition together? How about Asia McClain and India Morrison, two sisters from Kansas City who can rap about a cookie? Hmm, they both have geographical names. You wouldn't guess these two were sisters, since they look totally different. When the rapping ends and the singing commences we find out that India can sing and Asia can't. Asia's incredibly happy for her sister. She goes on a rambling spiel about how India's a singer, a dancer, a choreographer...hey! She's the next Paula Abdul!

Jamar Rogers from Milwaukee has a weird mini-mohawk and his rendition of "California Dreamin'" is kind of shouty, but he gets a yes. That's funny. I was actually expecting a no. I guess he's good enough to deserve it, though.

Next is Jamar's white "brother" Danny Gokey, also from Milwaukee. We see that there's a sob story coming up during the pre-break promos, but this one is actually pretty moving. His wife died four weeks before the audition, and he almost didn't have the strength to try out. Now that's sad. I can only imagine what it's like to lose the love of your life. Then again, I can only imagine what it's like to have the love of your life actually love you back. Sorry, back to Danny. He sings "I Heard it Through the Grapevine," and it's actually really good. He makes it through, and the judges rave about him, saying he's one of the best they've had all day. Good on him.

More bad auditions. More me not caring enough to recap them.

Anoop Desai is an Indian guy from Chapel Hill, NC. Once again an auditioner sings Boyz II Men's "Thank You." He's got a pretty good voice. The judges are surprised that someone like him is so soulful. What, Indians can't be soulful? Why do the judges always stereotype people because of how they look? Haven't they seen enough auditioners whose looks don't match their voices by now that they don't get surprised by this stuff? Don't any of them remember Rick Astley? Whatever the case, he gets through, but they tell him to work on his dorky wardrobe.

"Signed, Sealed, Delivered" is the montage song. Oh brother. I'm going to save space on my tape now.

When we get back from the commercial we see another montage, this time of gimmicky contestants. That's a perfect segue to our next contestant, who has two cheerleaders introduce him. Neither one looks like the cheerleader type. One is a big, tattoo-armed black girl and the other is a skinny white girl who seems to like singing in an operatic voice. Our auditioner is Andrew Lang (not to be confused with the former journeyman NBA center) from Columbia, MO, who takes on "My Girl." He doesn't have a bad voice, but he overmelismafies it a little. You know, I kind of like this guy. He seems like a dork with a creative streak. The judges aren't sure about him, and he tries another Temptations song, the "Idol" standard "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." Paula says hes too theatrical, and he ultimately gets a no from all the judges. Too bad. I think he might've been interesting.

Asa Barnes from Kansas City is a school band director. They show clips of him instructing the marching band and, oh! He has four-year-old daughter! Come on, you know this guy's going to make it. America doesn't want to see a cute little girl get sad because her daddy was rejected by the "American Idol" judges. They're probably going to pimp him big time if he makes the Top 36. Asa sings "The Way You Make Me Feel" (another song we heard yesterday), and he's OK, I suppose. Simon asks him why he picked that song, and Asa can only say it's because he liked it, which Simon says is the right answer. He gets yeses all around. Congrats, buddy.

Next up is Michael Nicewonder from Grand Island, NE, and I already feel sorry for his impending humiliation. The guy has a bleach-blond bowl haircut and looks like he lives in a trailer park. There's also something sort of Lloyd Christmas-y about him. It's obvious he'll be bad, even though he shows us a medal he won for "vocalization." He sings an original song, and it's as terrible as we all expected. He cries outside after the judges reject him. Poor guy. It's hard to explain what I feel when I see people like this. It's as if they're clueless about how to make themselves presentable, and I think they deserve sympathy more than ridicule. Maybe he can go on "Beauty and the Geek" and get paired up with Bikini Girl.

Dennis Brigham from Glen Carbon, IL says he had a dream about Simon saying he was the best they'd seen, so he's optimistic about his chances. My gut feeling is that he's going to be like that X-Ray guy from yesterday: an energetic reject. He does a backflip when he gets in front of the judges, and he accompanies Chris Brown's "With You" with some dance moves. He's actually not as bad as I thought he'd be. He likes to move around a lot and has weird teeth, though. He eventually gets a yes after begging the judges, with Simon overruled by the other three. I thought he was likable, even if somewhat deluded about how good he is. I'm glad he made it.

Mia Conley from Kansas City is asleep in the lobby when her name is called. That probably happens more than we think, since I hear there's a lot of waiting involved in the audition process. She's sure she's the next American Idol, and to prove it, she sings Minnie Riperton's "Lovin' You." It's not good. She skips the super-high note the first time around, but after the judges prompt her to try it she sort of hits it. They think she's nice, but that it's a no. Oh well. She's probably happy that she gave it her best shot and that the judges were easy on her, right? Nope. After she leaves the room she starts ranting about how the judges made a mistake and "God's gonna make you pay." Sheesh. Get over yourself. Why are there so many people who can't accept rejection with grace?

Finally we get Lil Rounds from Memphis, TN. She's a mother of three, and she had to move her family to a motel when a tornado hit their house. Backstory! Pimping! She sings "All I Do" by Stevie Wonder, and does an incredible job. Good pitch, good tone, even a cool rasp in there at times. She's a definite yes. The judges smother her with compliments, which overwhelms her. They comment on how she doesn't know she's so great. I believe she's probably sincere, but if she keeps showing this sort of humility she'll probably get bashed by the same cynics who thought Melinda Doolittle was fake. I guess genuinely humble people are so rare these days that nobody believes them when they see them. Oh well. I still like Melinda. She seems like a sweet person, and if you remember my love of Brooke White from last year, you know I like sweet girls. Lil seems like someone I wouldn't have a problem with.

They close the show with a montage of people getting gold tickets. One of them is the cute blond girl with glasses and a pink shirt who they made look like a bad audition in an earlier montage. I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of her. One guy is bald, wears khaki pants and a t-shirt. For a second I think it's John Locke from "Lost." That show had better not conflict with "Idol" too much.

Well, that wraps it up. Thank goodness the audition shows are only an hour long from now on. I can't take having to write this much about so little.