Semifinal Group 1 Results - So Many Suprises!

After 24 million votes and a montage of their "Idol" journeys set to "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," these 12 hopefuls will find out if they made the Top 12 tonight. But first - a group performance!

The song they sing is Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours," which is already this year's audition song we're all sick of. Kind of an odd choice. I'm glad they kept these group sings even after Nigel Lythgoe left. They look lost doing the choreography most of the time, but they seem to be having fun out there. Jackie hams it up to the camera the whole time, and Stephen shows us that he is indeed the corny guy he said he was yesterday. The ending is pretty cool when they're all singing completely different parts. Not one of my all-time favorite group performances, but a pleasant little diversion.

Ryan chats with the contestants, and Jackie says that she'd give her performance last night a 91 if it were for a school report card. Anoop says the contestants are all relaxed, but after Ryan grills him a bit he admits that he's incredibly nervous. Anoop is so dang likable with his good sportsmanship. Tatiana says she's humbled to be there, and Stevie says she's proud to have gotten this far, but that it was confusing when the judges asked her to be younger.

After the filler's over we get to the results.

Casey Carlson's up first. After chatting with the judges for a while it's revealed that she didn't make the Top 12. What was the point of dragging that out? There was no way she was getting in after that atrocity last night.

Stephen Fowler's next, and he doesn't make it either. Well, duh!

Pink-haired Alexis Grace is next, and we all know she's going to make it, so stop delaying the inevitable. After much stalling, Alexis is announced as the first member of the Top 12. Boo for more kid pimping! She gets to sing her song from last night once again. She can't be the next American Idol. Eventually there'll be a non-Aretha Franklin theme week, and she's still too whitebread to do Aretha justice anyway.

Ricky Braddy and Jackie Tohn both learn their fates next, and neither one makes it. Too bad. I voted for both of them.

Anoop Desai and Michael Sarver come down together, two pimpees who didn't do great last night. They're both incredibly nervous. One of them is going through, and that person is...Michael. Friggin' crap. I saw it coming after looking at DialIdol, but that doesn't mean I like it. Once again, the one I voted for didn't make it. At least Anoop handles it with the utmost class. How great would it be if he came back as a Wild Card? Michael sings "I Don't Want to Be" again, and it's amazing how stultifyingly mediocre he is. My facetious "instant Top 12" comment when Michael mentioned his family last night turned out to be more accurate than I thought. Ryan tells us after the performance that only 20,000 votes separated Anoop and Michael. Dang it! I knew I should've voted harder!

I might as well turn it off now because I know Danny's getting the last spot, but I'm a masochist, so I won't. Tatiana's the only one left that I voted for, but she doesn't have a chance now.

They talk about the new "American Idol Experience" attraction at Disney World. I heard about that. It's cool that they got a bunch of past contestants, including all seven winners, together for the opening of it. They show us a clip of David Cook and Carrie Underwood singing "Go Your Own Way" together, and they sound incredible. Now that's how you do a duet! Two talented singers complementing each other and harmonizing perfectly!

Now it's time for our next two and...oh! What do you know! It's Carly Smithson and Michael Johns, the two losers that "Idol" keeps propping up because they want to pretend that America actually liked the plants they cultivated last year! Carly seems to have a slight southern twang in her Irish accent now. Either that or she's really from Alabama and just lied about being from Ireland like she lied about everything else.

So why are these two here? Oh, they're going to do a duet for us! Well, I'm sure it's going to be great after they just saw two pros do it the right way! Their song? "The Letter." Didn't they do that at the finale last year? I don't even remember for sure because I was sick of being told that we Americans got it wrong by not keeping these two non-Americans in the competition and stopped paying attention when it was their turn to perform. It's a jazzed-up version rather than the somber Box Tops version. They both still look and sound like they're trying to take a dump when they sing, and Carly tries to outscream Michael during all the parts where they sing together. Alex Chilton would be ashamed. Hey, "Idol," next time you want to bring back the 6th and 8th Place finishers from a season, do Kellie Pickler and Bucky Covington or something. You know, people who were actually successful after the show?

Anne Marie Boskovich, Brent Keith and Stevie Wright all stand up, and none of them are in. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be Danny. We all know it. He should've been the first one announced so that there could've been some drama to this whole process.

Finally that leaves us with Danny Gokey and Tatiana Del Toro. GEE, I WONDER WHO'S GETTING IN? The one we've all been told to love or the one we've all been told to hate? And the one who makes it is: Danny. He let's out a "whoo!" when he finds out. It's so touching how humbled he is to be in the Top 12, isn't it? Tatiana starts crying. Poor girl. I don't care how annoying you thought she was, you can see that this really meant a lot to her. Like Anoop, I hope she's a Wild Card, but I wouldn't bet on it. During Danny's reprise of "Hero," one of his friends watching on the side holds up a picture of Danny and his wife that the camera zooms up on. Is it too early to predict (or hope) that Danny is this year's shocking elimination? Tatiana remains tearful throughout the entire thing. Sorry, Tatiana. I voted for you!

What a disappointing night. I'm not enthusiastic about any of the people who made it. The first three members of our Top 12 can be summed up as follows:

1. Daughter
2. Family
3. Widower

In other words, no sympathetic backstory, no go. Sorry, Anoop, Tatiana, Jackie and Ricky!

Next week it's Group 2, which contains the following people:

Megan Corkrey
Kris Allen
Mishavonna Henson
Matt Breitzke
Allison Iraheta
Matt Giraud
Jasmine Murray
Kai Kalama
Jesse Langseth
Adam Lambert
Jeanine Vailes
Nick Mitchell

Let's take a look at these people real quick:

Megan: single parent
Kris: fodder
Mishavonna: fodder
Matt B: family
Allison: fodder
Matt G: no sympathetic backstory
Jasmine: just a kid
Kai: takes care of his mother
Jesse: fodder
Adam: no sympathetic backstory
Jeanine: fodder
Nick: no sympathetic backstory

It's obvious who's going to make it: Megan, Matt B. and Kai.

That means Group 3 will be:

Arianna Afsar: just a kid
Felicia Barton: parent
Kendall Beard: fodder
Ju'Not Joyner: parent
Scott MacIntyre: blind
Nathaniel Marshall: had a rough life growing up
Kristen McNamara: no sympathetic backstory
Jorge Nunez: no sympathetic backstory
Lil Rounds: parent
Von Smith: no sympathetic backstory
Taylor Vaifanua: just a kid
Alex Wagner-Trugman: fodder

Hmmm. This is a tough call. I guess Lil, Ju'Not and Felicia will get through because of their kids, and Nathaniel, Scott and one lucky contestant with no kids or sob story will get through as Wild Cards. That one lucky contestant will finish in 12th Place.

Please, America. Could we all agree to try for at least one surprise in these Semifinals?